"you are not above the charity of God"
"why would i forsake the riches of God's righteousness for the dung of my own ego?"

"self discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. if we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love.

our behavior will not be changed long with self discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible. by accepting God's love for us we will fall in love with Him, and only then do we have the fuel we need to obey. in exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. and a begger's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion"

-blue like jazz

i have been reading this amazing book called blue like jazz. it is a definate recomendation of mine for anyone wondering if the Christian faith is still relevant in a post modern culture. it has spoken to me a lot! here are some of the things i underlined and these even though really good do not give the book justice as a whole:

"i sometimes wonder whether we are moving through time or time is moving through us"

"the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. this is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. if he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God"

"it is hard for us to admit we have a sin nature because we live in this system of checks and balances. if we get caught, we will be punished. but that doesnt make us good people; it only makes us subdued."

"christian spirituality was not a children's story. it wasnt cute or neat. it was mystical and odd and clean, and it was reaching into dirty. there was wonder in it and enchantment."

"the entire world is falling apart because nobody will admit they are wrong. but by asking God to forgive you, you are willing to own your own crap."

If I knew what I was after, I'd remember where I'd been
If I was sure of something better, I'd go, I'd go
But I am just another picture, and I watch myself

Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
Orbiting like satellites I'll sail away

our memory may fail us and our language will go too

happy christmas to all

i bid you a good day and all the glad tidings you could ever wish and hope and dream about having...whatever tidings means anyways

im the operator

with my pocket calculator



even the traffic lights are in the christmas spirit







"it is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

the reason behind my name:

In the first chapter of the Song of Solomon, the Lord compliments His Bride, for He sees within her a quality which He intensely desires to cultivate and use.

"Behold, you are fair, my love! behold, you are fair! You have dove's eyes." SS 1:15

When a dove fixes its gaze upon its mate, it is not distracted by any activities around it. Therefore, it is often referred to as a "love bird."

Our having this "dove's eye" indicates the possession of a spiritual awareness and commitment which lifts us above the pulls of the earthly, and enables us to become sensitive to the Lord's presence, and obedient to His desire and purpose.

The Lord's favor rests upon those who have cultivated a "single eye" toward Him. These can be easily led by Him, for they are close enough to see which way His eye is looking.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye." Psalm 32:8

the Lord is seeking those who are willing to be reduced to this singleness of vision. Only then will He be able to say, "Behold, you are fair, you have dove's eyes."

this is a personal prophecy i speak over my life

my friend rachel was asking me what i thought about how God is perfectly content in the Godhead but still has emotions of desiring and passion towards people. i thought that is a good thought evoking thing.

if you think about this paradox...adam was complete w/ his rib but not actually complete until God took that rib out to form eve, leaving him uncompletely completed. i mean nothing really can make sense to our minds why God would desire us but i think it is like we are complete unto ourselves w/ God but we are complemented and have desire for our spouse..just like God desires his bride.

then rachel said she was thinking is it impossible for God to have feelings of loneliness bc if he lacked nothing , then why would he desire for hurt or broken people or does he just will for us to be saved and its no emotions attached to it?

i said well yea i mean if you think about it this way- i desire for my family to get saved but that doesnt mean that if they dont then i am not complete b/c i am complete myself only by God .God is God which makes him complete in himself, not by us -which proves that he doesnt need us but desires for our compliment like it says the wife compliments her husband.

"Reveal Your presence,
And let the vision and Your beauty kill me,
Behold the malady
Of love is incurable
Except in Your presence and before Your face."

-st. john of the cross (song of the soul and the bridegroom)

its snowing!!!!

ive been dreaming of a white christmas not like the ones i usually know

my friends threw me an amazing going away party:

tons of my favorite people showed up
'the great white jenkins' played
aimee played
lauren theme games
grilled cheese
a root beer keg
laney took a video asking ppl what they are gonna miss about me.
18 people brought me personal going away cd music mixes!
modeling pictures
interpretive dance.
this guy even came!

more more

tonight was the smitty xmas tour. me and my sister went together and got to chill with christa black. she got us into the meet and greet and backstage. so i met smitty and definately talked to him about the argyle sweater. before hand christa showed us the tour buses and we went and hung out in her luxorious dressing room. it was so small we had to squeeze into the corner. then i surprised christa with 'the perfect mix attempt' mix i just finished, for gettin us in to the show and she was extremely excited. before the show we got this guy to take pictures of us three and then ones with how tall we actually are next to her. she was wearing like 3 inch heels which yes i tryed on. the highlight of the show was when shelley from point of grace was talking and then referred to the top of her rather flamboyant dress as a turkey carcass! haha ! during intermission we went and hung out w/ point of grace and i got to pet the turkey carcass.

what a fun night! thanks christa!

"it doesnt matter if there isnt a destination
because we are arriving everywhere
plant electric flowers in a feild
to bring it back to earth
a smile fell in the grass. irretrievable!"


mix

Agnus Dei 5:47 Rufus Wainwright
sunday morning 4:08 Maroon 5
Don't Stop Believing 4:10 Journey
Track 02 3:15 Joni Mitchell
Lilac Wine 4:32 Jeff Buckley
parachute 3:09 Guster
Rainbow 3:23 G. Love & Jack Johnson
Maybe Not 4:19 Cat Power
I Went to the Hospital 5:14 Cass McCombs
Who are you now 2:15 Brandston
You Spin Me Right Round 4:27 Billy idol
Power Of The Gospel 6:02 Ben Harper
Breathe (2AM) 4:39 Anna Nalick
Sway 4:21 The Perishers
Little House Of Savages 3:16 The Walkmen
Follow The Light 3:08 Travis
If I Fall 4:54 Aqualung
If They Only Knew 4:14 Ester Drang



"as he grew old
he loved the word
etcetera
and refused to
abbreviate it

many of us who
live too much in
our minds
can easily lead
ourselves
to fretting over
everything"

each moment is as good as it gets
when i am obvious with myself

------

Looking into the horizon
by Lauren D'Auria

they abstractly stare
avantguardly standing,
but she sits holding
her abortion against
her empty arms.
ballerinas and acrobats
still dressed after
their act.
the clothes on their back
are all they own besides
a vase
a basket of flowers
a barrel
a satchel
her hat is shade
to the desert heat.
no one knows the distance they walk
to amuse

------

Coming of Age
by Lauren D'Auria

It's Saturday afternoon, wedding bells are ringing and I am
going to work. sitting at a light observing the obvious happiness
behind family pictures outside of my sill. A moment in time.

During my Junior year of college, I lived in Richmond, Virginia,
the homeless, parks, bicycles, coffee shops, late night city
walks.
The house I lived in was an old convent and school house.

I learned a few things in the 4 years of living in
Richmond,
One from driving the same route to work every day. The second,
after many walks through Virginia Commonwealth University of people
watching.
life does go on outside of my own.

One thing I learned however, I couldn't really handle:
my hope was deferred...
like the sudden urge that comes when someone runs by you
inspiring you to run a bit faster, then the feeling that comes
when you know you cant catch up.



------

They See Rocks
by Lauren D'Auria

what's the deal--
cuticles like jello.
swollen over
except for maybe one.

snow fall on my lap
brush brush crap
nails melt
as they hit the ground.

raggedy anne,
crayon marks all over
long divided gestures
facial agriculture

pilgrims in teacups
serving indians
short hair and suits with
white man filled guts.

who do they gaurd?
green army green gun
white bricks
no taller then an inch.

the silent laughter behind
window shaped silhouettes
celebrates lip sinks
and pets.

threaten me not.
i will stand tall
o my
lonesome heart.

------

Ask for nothing
by Lauren D'Auria

Lunch time. mid december and
I am full from breakfast but em-
pty of sleep. all night was spe-
nt working on a science proje-
ct with my sister. Together we
cut construction paper and ou-
r egos. We took turns sharing
my computer using the same i-
nk that will get us our A grade
after we do our presentations
tonight. The fall semester is a-
lmost over and I am about to t-
ransfer credits from Italy. coff-
ee breaks, waffles, the smell of
Shaffer court dining hall and t-
he sound of my sister's voice
as she walks in to tell me how
short her bangs are as i conf-
irm and smile, is what i will m-
is the most. The sun sets and e-
nds yet another countdown day.

Take my Quiz (made by erin)

i feel like i'm in middleschool again. but i felt good
about my project because when i was almost done
my sister was just starting

and he laughs

my fish likes to play dead
i dont like to study

"once we accept the gospel of grace and seek to shed defense mechanisms and subterfuges, honesty involves the willingness to face the truh of who we are, regardless of who we are, regardless of how threatening or unpleasant our perceptions may be. it means hanging in there with ourselves and with God, learning our mind tricks by experiencing how they defeat us, recognizing our avoidances, ackowledging our lapses, learning completely that we can not handle it ourselves. this steady self-confrontation requires strength and courage. we cannot use failure as an excuse to quit trying.

without personal honesty i can easily construct an image of myself that is rather impressive. complacency will then replace God. many of us do not want the truth about ourselves; we prefer to be reassured of our virtue. honesty keeps us in touch with our neediness and the truth that we are save sinners. there is a beautiful transparancy to honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretend to be anything but who they are.

Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. it does not distance us from God, but draws us to him--as nothing else can--and opens us anew to the flow of grace. while Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot acheive it on our own. to be alive is to be broken. and to be broken is to stand in need of grace. it is only through grace that any of us could dare hope that we could become more like Christ."

[brennan manning]

when we begin to thank God and live thankful- not because of what He does for us but because of who He is, then we are coming to understand the heart of God because He didnt die or love you because of what you do but because of who He is.

mix

I Wish No Chains Upon You 4:26 Aloha
Undo 5:38 Björk
In Particular 6:05 Blonde Redhead
Train In Vain 3:11 The Clash
Testing the Strong One 5:42 Copeland
You Belong To Me 3:03 Dean Martin
Waltz #2 (XO) 4:40 Elliott Smith
Chain 3:41 The Fire Theft
Ugly Girl 3:47 Fleming and John
Rock Of Ages 3:08 Gillian Welch
Tuesday's Gone 5:47 Hank Williams Jr.
Carolina In My Mind 2:41 James Taylor
Down Towards the Healin 5:28 Lovedrug
The Old Black Hen 5:48 Songs: Ohia
Life During Wartime 5:51 Talking Heads
Sacrifice 4:26 Uplifters
Radio Cure 5:08 Wilco

what God has been trying to show me that will bring my freedom:

Revelation 22:13
I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End."

2 Timothy 1:9
Who hath saved us, and called us with an holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace, which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began

romans 8:30
Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. "

colassians 1:22-23
He has done this through his death on the cross in his own human body. As a result, he has brought you into the very presence of God, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault. But you must continue to believe this truth and stand in it firmly. Don't drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News


When our names were chosen in Christ before the world began and when Jesus died on the cross, our sins were covered and left there. the part of us that was in Christ rose again with Him upon the resurrection making it possible for God to see us as holy and blameless- even before our time because he is the omega. once we have the realization of being in Christ and Him being the righteous requirement of the law- we can then walk in the spirit even through our weakness. because he has made Himself the requirement, not us. as christians we do not have to cover up and hid from the realness of temptation and struggle we still deal with daily. we can not deny reality and the fact that we still sin but once we realize that God fully sees and fully knows yet fully loves us we are set free from the condemnation of our current stateand are set free from the deception that satan brings that there is less power in revealing and confessing to others. we need to learn to trust and see from an eternal perspective, with the knowledge that Gods plans for us is to prosper, that we are simply making our way to the final destination of holiness that God already sees us in.

to be spiritually minded does not mean that we now do not sin anymore but it means that our heart is towards God, and we need to realize that that is all that he seeks. you are chosen,predestined and called and if so then you are justified and glorified. our bodies groan within, eagerly waiting for their redemption but that is only because we are stuck with in time. but God is there (in the omega) and he sees us perfect- all our striving and falling and tripping and crawling has all left a smile on God's face because even if there are bad parts in your time line God see's how the story ends and that is all that matters. if your heart is set on him and you are trusting him that is all that matters to him.

if you believe this word, that has to be proven true, then you will be free to live a life free of bondage. you will realize that it is ok to be real with each other. that how we are doing spiritually is not based on what we do but it is based on who God is and His love for us. and until we realize that we will be stuck in legalism and striving which leads daily to thinking we are never going to be good enough. and you know what. its true- we wont ever be good enough but that is the foundation upon which Jesus died. if we base our spiritual walk on how many christians throw the first stone of judgement at us b/c of our downfall then we are still in the mindset that we are only right with God if man says so. but it is when we accept that there only is an audience of one that longs to hear the words, "Abba, Father." than all else will fall to the wayside of our lovesick heart because it is not too good to be true. because " It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. "



God's Everlasting Love
Romans 8: 31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 33Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36As it is written:
        "For Your sake we are killed all day long;
        We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter."
37Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."


wow the power in those words if we can only believe it.

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
-Henry David Thoreau

"o stiff heart, thingless we came into the world and thingless we leave. every important act is wordless- to slip from the right way, to fail, still accomplishes something.

who can distinguish darkness from the dark, light from the light, subject matter from story line, the part from the whole when while is part of the part and part is all of it?

its good to know certain things: what's departed, in order to know what's left to come.

what i remember redeems me, strips me and brings me to rest, an end to what has begun, a beginning to what is about to be ended.

what are the determining moments of our lives? how do we know them? are they ends of things or beginnings: are we more or less of ourselves once they've come and gone?"

charles wright

the fingerpainters

the response poem i wrote in class today to the juxtaposition series of photo's titled 'democracy'

stilettoed toddler
by lauren d'auria

i think experience
i am experience
beauty is ashes
the helmet is loose
not yet grown into
sits tiled and held on by
the chin strap of trust

my 7 year old sister wearing
my mom's bra and high heels
embracing what she
does not fit into

the youth drawn into it
called forth to grow up
before their time
to live with out
the knowledge confronting
the naive

kids under the law
called to die
for those who set them

authorities arm holds the gun
as the baby rests upon it
pointing at the cross eyed
albino statue of liberty
with her politically correct crown

they stand protecting what has
yet to be soiled
like i seek to protect the words
yet to be spoken
frightened by ongoing battles
always begun from within

is it true that
the harder you squint
the faster your
prayers are answered?

the unnatural union of two men
holds the next generation
baby distracted by the soldier's
two foot feather hat
reminds her of her mother's
unusually hairy arm

a guy was preaching about how there are so many people dying every day and going to hell and we dont even give a shit. then he said "and the sad thing is- you are more upset about me saying shit then about those people dying and going to hell"

mix

drift away 4:04 Christa black
I'm Not Ready 5:18 Cool Hand Luke
Letters & Drawings 5:25 Damien Jurado
Volcano 4:38 Damien Rice
Ain't That A Kick In The Head 2:24 Dean Martin
you cant always get what you want 7:35 Def leppard
Caught By The River 5:55 Doves
Still Running 2:34 Eastmountainsouth
Switching Off 5:04 Elbow
Sunlight Makes Me Paranoid 4:18 Elefant
Funeral For A Friend (Love Lies Bleeding) 11:08 Elton John
Wonderful Tonight 3:39 Eric clapton
Reach out I'll be there 3:01 Four Tops
Let Go 4:13 Frou Frou
Pretend You're Alive 5:11 Lovedrug
Amour Fou 4:34 Vetiver


" there's a touch of vanity in the holiest of men and women. they see no reason to deny it. and they know that reality bites back if it isnt respected. when i get honest, i admit i am a bundle of paradoxes. i believe and i doubt, i hope and i get discouraged, i love and i hate, i feel bad about feeling good, i feel guilty about not feeling guilty. i am trusting and suspicious. i am honest and i still play games. Aristotle said i am a rational animal. to live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. in admiting my shadow side i learn who i am and what God's grace means. as Thomas Merton put it, 'a saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.'
we have the power to believe where others deny, to hope where others despair, to love where others hurt. this and so much more is sheer gift; it is not reward for our faithfulness, our generous disposition, or our heroic life of prayer. even our fidelity is a gift. 'if we but turn to God,' said St. Augustine, 'that itself is a gift of God.' my deepest awareness of myself is that i am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and i have dont nothing to earn it or deserve it."
-brennan manning (ragamuffin gospel)

thanksgiving break was filled with:
-sushi with family
-my dad got me a bootleg of napoleon dynamite
-seeing bridget jones the edge of reason with sister
-my puppy's new sweater
-my sister stealing my car
-target with sister
-my favorite marna
-help mom make pumpkin bread
-friends
-ferriswheels
-cousins
-mom dancing
-cousin's getting driver's permits
-sunsets over the ocean
-watching rudolf the rednosed reindeer staring hermey the dentist, with mommy
-attempting to see finding neverland- get there and sold out
-watching saved with mommy
-watching bridget jones diary on tv w/ mommy

way too many movies and my first exposure to laguna beach. lots of time with my lovely family who i dont get to spend nearly enough time with.

now its time to come back to reality- had to work tonight and school monday- blah

ragamuffin revelation
romans 5:20- where sin abounded grace much more abounded; so, just as sin reigned whereever there was death, so grace will reign to bring eternal life thanks to the righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ our Lord.

"and though it is true that the church must always dissociate itself from sin, it can never have any excuses for keeping any sinners at a distance." -Huns Kung

so basically what i realized through this is that when i or you go to a place where sinners are, a party, etc. there is great sin abounding, but if it is true that where sin abounds, grace has to much more abound then that means if you are the one and only christian in a situation then you are the designated gracebearer of God!- the one who will bring eternal life, salvation, through the righteousness of Jesus- not mine or yours. so in order for this verse to be proven true- my authority in Christ at that party, my influence is much greater then theirs is on me. if not then it is b/c i or you do not believe it to be true.

press on

happy thanksgiving everyone!

"everything that the pencil says is erasable, unlike our voices, whose words are black and permanent, smudging our lives like coal dust, unlike our memories, etched like a skyline against the mind, unlike our irretrievable deeds...the pencil spills everything, and then takes everything back." -charles wright

mix

A Minor Incident 3:44 Badly Drawn Boy
Hey Jude 7:02 The Beatles
yoga 5:07 Bjork
Blue Tears 4:54 The Black Heart Procession
Build a Fire 3:39 Blue
Forever Young 4:56 Bob Dylan
Redemption Song 3:47 Bob Marley & The Wailers
A Perfect Sonnet 3:41 Bright Eyes
Video killed the Radio Star 3:22 Buggles
Givin Up 3:37 The Darkness
Time Away 5:11 Denali
Bedshaped 4:38 Keane
somebody told me 3:35 The killers
No More 4:13 matt pond PA
life in mono 3:48 Mono
As The Days Go By 4:18 Talking Heads
Luna Sea 4:17 Vetiver
Moons And Horror Shows 2:36 The Zutons

our bikes are so hot

andddd i got my camera self timer to work! look how pumped i am! no really i am excited

hot diggidy dog

parts from the divine partnership
by mike bickle

"There is a divine partnership in beholding and becoming men and women after God's heart. God has a role and we have a role. God will not do our part for us. We can't do God's part for Him. Our responsibility is to fill our minds with the truth of God's personality - to gaze upon Him as David did. God's promise in return is to supernaturally change our emotions. This is the Kingdom of God's division of labor. We change our minds and God changes our hearts (meaning our emotions)...
You may have discovered in this life that you don't have the power to change your emotions directly. You can't say, "Joy!" and elicit joy from your soul. You can't demand, "Gladness, rise up within me now!" It'll never happen. You might get a jolt of adrenaline, but long-lasting emotions are not awakened by determination. That's God's part of the division of labor, and it's a supernatural work of the Spirit in us. But here's the good news: all our emotions are linked to thoughts or ideas. Correct thoughts about God bring wonderful emotions. This is why the truth sets us free (Jn. 8:32). You can indirectly change your emotions by flooding your thoughts with the truth about God...
But there is much more to this principle than clamping down on ourselves and staying away from bad things. Your mind is not renewed primarily by staying away from bad things, but by filling your mind with the truth about God. You don't need better sin-avoidance techniques but a new vision of what God's heart looks like. Flowing from that vision will be a new vision of what you look like to God. When I fill my mind with what God's emotions look like, I experience new dimensions of grace to stay away from the 'bad things.'...
you can't become until you behold. Becoming is good, but God's sequence says we must behold the reality within His heart. Then He does His part and awakens joy and peace and all the rest within us.
If you want passion or love for God then fill your time and your mind with the revelation of God's passion and love for you. It is uncomplicated, but few people actually live out this revelation.
Our view of God's emotions changes everything within our own emotions. Gazing upon God's soul gives us spiritual information, not neutral information. It's powerful, full of life-changing energy. When that information hits a sincere spirit like yours or mine, a slow-motion explosion occurs inside us. It's orchestrated by the Holy Spirit. It doesn't happen in one day but incrementally. We may take three steps forward and two steps back in the process of being renewed, yet over time, our emotions are transformed and our heart is awakened.
Declare war on any area of compromise in your life. You may stumble in that area, but if you are sincerely warring against it, you will still gain ground. After all, the flowing heart is what empowers us to get free from besetting sin. God doesn't require that we be free from all struggle before He releases His power in our hearts. Just the opposite; the power of God helps us get free. I am not suggesting that we are free to disobey God until our emotions change. It is the wisdom of God and the will of God that we obey Him when we don't feel like it. I believe in obedience when I don't feel like obeying. When I'm depressed and feeling horrible, I still need to obey God.
We must cultivate confidence in God's affection towards us even when we stumble. If we lack this confidence then we close our spirit toward Jesus. We cultivate condemnation and self-accusation, and that makes it impossible to grow.
The revelation that God enjoys you in your weakness transforms you. In my experience, this is the hardest revelation for people to enter into and the place on the spiritual journey where most people stall and stop. The reason? We will never enjoy God more than our revelation of God enjoying us in our weakness.
Then another miraculous thing happens: we begin to enjoy ourselves. You begin to like you. You prefer to be yourself over any other person on Earth. This is a revolutionary change for most people. A woman prayed earnestly, "Lord I want to love my neighbor like I love myself." The Lord surprised her with His answer: "That's the problem - you do. You despise yourself; therefore, you despise your neighbor."
 
 

doesnt sallie look snazzy on the night her super 8 film got into flicker 33?

we're friends and if you make us angry we'll puff right up like mrs puff on sponge bob square pants

the newest most addicting thing
[thefacebook]

add me




HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNE!

this past week was one of my favorites.
monday: skipped class to go to muse/zutons
tuesday: photo shoot with luli
wednesday: sorrella note. me and chubbis went to an india music concert, the ethos percussion group. they were amazing. then we went to eat and back to her dorm to chill and do homework.
thursday: bike ride night w/ luli, alyssa, and sarah. then came back and put my hair into plant shape
friday: me, erin and alyssa bought little kids bikes which we named old women names (henrietta, blanch, and mauve). blanch is mineee. i named it after blue's car. we went to 821 cafe for dinner (which none of us had ever been to) and the 'big love' theatrical play that vcu is puttin on this semester w/ luli, erin, allyssah, emily and rachel. then after we went to a party to visit my sister
saturday: family day! my parents came in town and them and my sis and i went shopping all day and had dinner at firebird.

i need to cut my nails

Who you are speaks so loudly, I can't hear what you're saying.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

muse was last night!!! holy freakin crap they were ridiculously amazing. i really cant even explain how awe shocked i am. flabergasted. me, andrew, zach, and phil left around 2 from richmond and got to DC around 430. zach and timothy were really excited. we went to eat [i went to the jamacian restaurant and got a vegtable roti and a malt soda] andrew and zach got chinese and then andrew stopped to think about how we were about to go see muse play. then we walked around...ya know, ofcourse we stopped at 'up against the wall' ha. we went to star bucks and endulged on hot drinks and waited our time of waiting in line to get into 930 club. when we finally got in we went right up to the balcony over looking the stage b/c we decided it was better to watch then experience the sweaty pits and crowds. we ran into our friends vinny and steven. the first band was the zutons and we heard they were horrible but they surprised us and actually were very very good. muse came on at 10 and played all the way until midnight. their whole set (monitors, amps, keyboard stand, drums, main electric guitar) was crome and the lights were intense. they also had matching pinstripe outfits on. the keyboard stand was light sensitive to the keys that matthew played. the bass player, chris, had more pettles then matthew. they played mainly stuff from their new cd but some old stuff too. we loved how they didnt care about the audience at all but were all about the music. i hate when bands rant on when we didnt come to hear them talk anyways. after they played we sat down for a few minutes with jaws dropped repeating, "wow" over and over as we all stood in agreement that it was the best live show we have ever been blessed to sit in on. the rest of the pictures from the show are here.

"live a life with fear of missing an opportunity, not messing it up" -chip bueler

mix

eleanor rigby 2:04 the Beatles
I'm A Cuckoo 5:26 Belle & Sebastian
Fatale And Futique 5:14 Brazil
dust in the wind 3:31 Daughter Darling
Easy Tonite 4:14 Five For Fighting
These Are The Days 3:22 Jamie Cullum
Futures 3:58 Jimmy Eat World
Cathedrals 3:57 Jump Little Children
Into Dust 5:36 Mazzy Star
Freedom Fighters 3:44 The Music
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight (DDR style) 6:57 The Postal Service
Trouble 4:00 Ray Lamontagne
here i am (acoustic) 4:08 Seven On Monday
Pink Bullets 3:53 The Shins
Reelin In The Years 4:37 Steely Dan
Stuck in the Middle With You 3:24 Steve Miller Band
The Dress Looks Nice On You 2:34 Sufjan Stevens
In The Waiting Line 4:31 Zero 7

thursday after me and my sisters lab partner fun in science class we went over to laney's vintage clothes party. on the way we took various serious modeling pictures. i didnt end up getting any clothes but vicki, one of roomates got this sweet dress! and we tryed to talk matt into getting this sweater vest but he wasnt as convinced that it was perfect on him. then after we ate our pizza in secret in the back room a bunch of us went and hung out in the hall and talked about bringing back the work 'queef' (hahha i know sick) but you have to say it in a way that makes no since at all. for example: "man, we had a queef of a good time!" etc.
since i hadnt figured out how to change my resolution yet i only could take about 20 or so pictures but go here and click on 'amici' to see the rest of them.

last night after work i met up w/ bunch of friends to see napolian dynamite at byrd (our 2 dollar theater). then i came back to emily/laney/erin/allysah/amy's house and watched fear factor, sponge bob, talked to emily for a long time and fell asleep on allysah's awesome couch. in the middle of night i woke up for a minute and smiled b/c someone but a blank on me. today allysah told me it was her :happy: i love my friends.

its been good to get away from sitting online for awhile.

last night was the mat kearney shane& shane show in williamsburg. when i got there i ran into joy and stephanie who i hadnt seen in forever b/c i never really go home that often. but yea so mat came on and i had been tellin everyone about him but most ppl there didnt know who he was so they were all talking like the whole freakin time! i was really annoyed and me and daniel could tell mat was too. but he still did an awesome job ending w/ an amazing freestyle about williamsburg.

after he was done and went off stage, me and daniel walked around to the back hall to try and find him b/c christa told me to tell him hi for her so i figured why not now. so we ended up findin him and talkin to him for awhile then i asked if he wanted to go to starbucks and he said he would love to. so me him and daniel took my car over to target fist b/c mat had to get some deoderant and daniel wanted to try on some dorothy shoes (ha). on the way there mat called christa and they talked for awhile and i got to say hey too. then we went to starbucks, chilled, got some coffee (i got my favorite drink of the season, the pumpkin spice frap)

mat figured we should be gettin back so we drove right back and he showed us the tour bus, mat got stopped to sign stuff for some kiddies and then we three went to the back room where they have food for the bands and mat and daniel hooked up the keyboard so i could play it. after the shanes were done daniel left and i went w/ mat over to the merch room and found a grand piano that i played while he was signin stuff. after all that and everyone had cleared out, me and mat played the grand piano for awhile. i played some of my stuff and he played some of his stuff. so yea it was awesome hangin w/ him. he is a really great, fun guy. i got this picture before i left... and off i went..home to my precious yorkie, bella, who i love and she even greeted me at the door.

the past three days have been sweet. thursday night i went out to my friend's house in oregon hill with a bunch of ppl b/c they did a 'vortex of doom' haunted basement. and it was amazing.
last night was a good night too. after work there was a world full of fun and wish that i had my camera . the freakin batteries are dead. im gonna get a new one soon though

so anyways..this guy all that i work with just started a band called 'Alexander the great and the empire' and he was telling me about them and how they are jazzy like but he raps. and i was a bit skeptical about about if this could be pulled off and last night was the show at nancy raygun and the band was freakin awesome! and all is so cute up there singin on his toes. man wish i could show you.
after the show me and chris went over to laney, emily, and allysah's and they were carving pumpkins and cooking pumpkin seeds and chilling. i got some hot apple cider and ate some good cookie dough and then elmer came over and told me about this other local band maybe playin
so me and elmer ended up goin to this other party and watched ppl for a while and counted how many people tripped up or down these two stairs outside. ha. b/c everyone was drunk except us.
when we left there we ran into my sister and her roomate and her roomates boyf (lauren and greg) and i was so excited to see my chubbis. she said picture time and took pictures of me and elmer so here is the only documentaring of the night.

today i had to work until 4 and then drove to the bizaare market. its where all the local richmonder college age kids sell their stuff like art or cool stuff they want to get rid of.. i bought so pillows to match my bed, a vegetarian screen printed shirt and some raggedy cut cords all for one buck each. and now im on my way to see
shane and shane and mat kearney live! in williamsburg (and man all the hype the lovely's put up on that is not in vain! that cd is amazing and ive been stuck on it since last sunday, definately get it if you have yet)

i am in this christian performing arts group at my college [VCU] called 'the fingerpainters' and today was our first group improv street theater piece. it went really well. i dont act so i didnt know exactly how it was going to go and i was a bit nervous but the fact that it was improv made it easier i think b/c we all had to trust and work off of what the others did to stay fluid. the theme was plastic surgery, dieting, boob jobs, etc. things having to do with trying to improve your image. so while zach played guitar, me, angelina and brandon used plastic wrap to symbolize the masking and transparent cover up of what so many think will bring satisfaction. and anna and katie read an amazing brainstorm one of my roomates,anne, thought up and wrote:

"appeal. be noticed. plastic surgery gone bad. beautiful quirks and 'flaws' and individuality. violent treatment of body. humorous huge boobs! take your butt and re-situate elsewhere! nonsensical implants: sexier earlobes! elbows! avoiding natural aging. artificial. airbrushed. unhappy models. back problems from rack. meat. objectivication and depersonalization and dehumanization and abuse and idolatry of women. men and muscle. messing with a fragile masterpiece of God. break it. only He can fix. unconditional love. quick fix. patience. fear. sin. lies! truth. perspective. priorities. imbalance. expectations. pride. bad habits. paradigm. comfort food."

after about 20 minutes we ended by all sitting together in a circle, taking the plastic off of eachother and gathering it up in the middle into a ball while we all said 'everyday we pray for a mircle' in unison and anna wrote it out in chalk on the ground, said 'its time' and we walked back to our house in character. when we got back we prayed and talked about what we thought. i loved it. it really showed me how God can call us out of our comfort zone but when we do it you see His grace and ability come through.

funny incounter ( not shocking for richmond): you might have noticed the scene change in the pictures. about 5 minutes into the piece a lady comes up and gets in our face pretty much asking us what we are doing. and us being that we are acting stay in character and pretend like she wasnt there and she keeps asking us and eventually gets in the middle of us and says 'you are going to have to move!' so we apologize, dont create a scene and walk down the street to the next block on campus. [later we found out that she was homeless and that was her stoop]

mix

when pianos fall 3:52 aireline
Fred Jones, Part 2 3:45 Ben Folds
Picture of Jesus 3:45 Ben Harper & The Blind Boys of Alabama
when you're gone 3:54 Christa black
Safe 4:47 Coldplay
Lovesong 3:28 The Cure
Ohio 3:41 Damien Jurado
Hold On 1:55 David Gray
Wedding Dress 5:22 Derek Webb
hatchet 2:47 The Great White Jenkins
Jambalaya 2:55 Hank williams sr.
Slow Hands 3:03 Interpol
Snowed Under 3:51 Keane
Renaissance 4:47 Mat Kearney
Everything Is Everything 3:01 Phoenix
In the Shadows 4:07 The Rasmus
have you forgotten 6:13 Red house painters
Hallelujah 4:11 Rufus Wainwright

[you can get this from me on AIM [dauriala]. if you have a
PC:right click my name and click 'get files';
apple: highlight my name, go to 'people' on the menu then click 'get files...'

ill have a new one every week hopefully
sorry if some of the songs dont work b/c i bought them on itunes

i had to read this amazing book for my intro to world music class called the listening book and these were my conclusions:


The back of the book says it the best, The Listening Book has definitely been ‘about rediscovering the power of listening as an instrument of self-discovery and personal transformation.’
Right away in the introduction of the book W.A. Mathieu says while referring to Jim who is supposed to be loving a symphony concert, “He feels like a dope. He doesn’t know what to listen for. There is a veil in front of the music. He gets tangled up in what he thinks music is supposed to be, and there is no room for listening. Listening can be a way of life, and life can become musical to the awakened ear.” This explanation is completely relatable to anyone and everyone in one situation or another in life. I feel like our generation is so caught up in the technology of the age that they miss the natural wonders of sound that have yet to be tampered by computer simulation. American’s in general were not raised to appreciate the simple things of life. But the more that I personally get into this book and do the exercises mentioned I feel the longing within for the ability to be still and listen.
Mathieu is really in tune with his immediate surroundings and has a seemingly rare ability to embrace the ‘now.’ Every story from beginning to end Mathieus trys to lead us into a place of being able to focus on the one thing that we are doing, getting our minds off of our worries or things of distraction. Page 10 of the book his exercise tells us to get a pencil and paper and to become aware of all the sounds I am hearing now, this moment, as I read and to make a list. This was a bit of a hard task because I, like Jim from the introduction, don’t really know what I am listening for and don’t notice the things that I hear so very often. I caught myself disregarding things. Like Mathieu says on page 29, “The energy of non-listening-of ignoring something- becomes part of you.” But the longer I did it the longer I wanted to keep doing it because I was enjoying doing absolutely nothing more than I thought possible. Like he says on page 26, “the more you listen the more you hear, the delight in registering sounds that had always been present but I had never heard, the ecstasy of knowing this is a lifelong experience, infinitely expandable, basically musical.”
The further I read into the book and when I got to the practicing chapters is when I remembered the book was directed towards musicians. So much of the book is so relatable and at the same time eye opening for anyone, not only musicians. I very much recommend this book. There are few books that have touched and really changed my mindset and outlook on life and this is one of them. I am going to carry this book along with me on my journey through life continually referring back to it as I feel need to retune my listening ear.

this weekend was my fall break and friday i went home to go to busch gardens with my family for howl-o-scream. we went to haunted manors, graveyards, train rides and 4-d rides. me and my sister jenna werent scared but my mom was nervous. her and my dad liked wearing their 4-d glasses but i didnt. when we were on our way out me and jenna got caught off gaurd by skeletons. one got me. when i got out of his grip we called carmen san diego. and we were happy we got out safely . phew

this is a poem i wrote for my poetry class where we had to be someone else and speak from their perspective. i decided to use one of the pictures i found in the trash to base it off of

frank's lee
by lauren d'auria

when i was young i always wondered
what married life would be like
and how the father heart would feel
if my children created of me
would have such a power over me
tomorrow proves the anniversary of this truth
the test came as my son boarded that plane
he is in vietnam
the thought of it is frequent
tears and silence in my house even more
my wife shares my sadness and fear
for our son is the only thing we share
his letters are not enough
my resemblence in his face is all i want to see

anthropology essay#3

From observing my peers and I, I have definitely realized that the word “like” is often misused and hardly actually ever used correctly. There are two ways it is misused the most. ‘Like’ is a preposition and sometimes people will use it as a conjunction. For example, someone would say, “Rachel sings like I do,” making it sound as if you were intending a simile. The correct way would be to say, “Rachel sings as I do.”
The most common use of ‘like’ next to the verb form of it meaning enjoyment or to find pleasant, is when people use it to fill in a blank in a sentence. This making the word completely worthless in the sentence and often making the person saying sound ditzy and unsophisticated. For example, “She is like so cool.” It is used to put extra expression to a sentence in the wrong way. For example, “He like went like this when he kicked the ball.” This use of like in the beginning is making it seem as if the person is comparing something to another thing when in fact the person is simply describing what actually happened. Or when the person cannot think of what they are going to say they will use it as a filler. Others might use ‘um’ or ‘uh.’ I catch myself saying the word ‘like’ even when I was describing this paper to someone and had to laugh about it. I and most others that have been using the word ‘like’ for so long have to consciously think about not saying it and still we find ourselves filling in that gap with what seems like the unavoidable word.
I have always wondered if there is a word similar to ‘like’ that other languages have. There probably is, knowing that there is an incorrect grammar form of every language when it comes to slang.

vote for bush

tv is after all the modern day roman coliseum.
human devastation as mass entertainment.

"Our journey begins with longing. And before longing is the longing to long. It is the yearning to desire Him. We find in our hearts an awakening that beckons longing and paves the way for desire. It begins with the Lord Himself placing His divine drawing upon the heart of the one who loves Him. We find ourselves desiring to desire Him and pained by the present shallowness of our hearts. He awakens us to the great obsession of Himself, and we find this new ache within our hearts: our lack of love and absence of tenderness. We begin to hunger for the capacity to hunger. We begin to thirst for the ability to thirst. The longing to long is the escort into longing itself. It is the God-ordained gateway into the true gift of God to crave Him with all of our beings. With hearts empowered by a divine ache, we cry out for more of God. We search for any sign of Him. This is the precise position that He wants us to be in. It is the hungry that He fills. It is the desirous that He satisfies. All divine longing is a gift. The longing prior to the felt-experience is just as much a part of loving Him as the experience itself. They go hand in hand and cannot be separated. The initial longing is an irreplaceable part of the eternal intimacy. Both the craving and the satisfaction are equal parts of the gift of intimacy. He is cultivating longing in your heart. He desires more than a recognition of His greatness; He wants a desperation and lovesick yearning to come to maturity within you. And so for a time you remain in this breach between the reach for and the fulfillment of superior pleasures. He is enlarging the capacity of our hearts to experience the pleasure of His presence by withholding it." -dana candler

It takes God to love God, and He Himself must place within us the love with which we love Him. "...For it is God who works in you both to will [desire] and to do for His good pleasure" (Phil. 2:13).

"lovers bloom in the arid desert wind. we are traveling across a vast desert. we didnt choose the desert. it chose us. it is in our bones. we are the children of abraham, of isaac, of jacob. we are a nomadic people called to pilgrimage. at times, we may deny the desert. with enough music and singing and dancing and laughter, we might just drown out the pangs deep within our soul. yet sometimes, the deep longing throbs loud enough to wake us up and remind us of our soul-parching thirst for the fountain of divine love. in these moments of absolute weakness, of absolute dependence, we can do nothing but simply ache for the presence of God. this helplessness, this longing, this desire, is a sign that love has already reached out to use and is drawing us ever closer, ever upward into His heart. but the desert has so drained us that we are too weak to try to impress Him. we cannot perform amazing feats of prayer and fasting. we cannot muster the strength to stand tall and go charging forth as valiant warriors. instead, like a mumbling drunk or dying Savior, we simply cry out, "i thirst." and He comes and satisfies our thirst with a spring of love that knows no bounds." -doug floyd

silence preferred
by lauren d'auria

stepped out of reality
when i rang out my phone
only to miss my right now
to get caught in the space age
of being two places at once.
my focus was lead
to the receiving end
murmur talking head.
once again caught in that web
two places at once
all my focus leading
to a pile of redundence.
not in front of me i spoke
the absurdity of it all
to the midair with a name.
disconnected i looked forward
to what is to come
but missed its intimacy.
i draw my friendships
out in pencil
will erase if need be.
always caught up
stuck up flip up emulation
in the potential of the moment
that i dont find myself in it
upon the recollection.

the weather is becoming more and more amazing. autumn is definately my favorite time of the year. the warmness still lingers but the breeze blows cool. my heart waits for my apartment to turn off the a/c and have my windows open to the city. secretly i already have one open.

announcement: no longer a vegan. origionally me and laney were just talkin and were like, 'we should be vegans for a month' and so i held my word even though she didnt. but i feel like God is saying that it shouldnt be based on that but should be based on conviction. and so he is not givin me the grace to do it at all and my pride was keepin me from givin up. when people ask me why i am a vegetarian i have reasoning but when ppl ask me why im a vegan i am left speechless with an i duno answer. and it shouldnt be that way.

"there is little pleasure in having nothing to do, the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it." -mary little

today my inconvenience turned into a blessing. i was excited i had time in between classes to sit in the park and realized i forgot something and had to walk back home. but when i was on my way back to the park i found something that excited me so much. i found a splendid record of picture treasures. seven pages of an old strangers photo album. i wonder if they lived in 108 harrison- the deserted house that is just now being renovated. i am so excited about finding them. why were they forgotten about and thrown away by another? were they owned by the guy who died, talked about in the article on one of the pages? were those memories captured, sad reminders of nostalgia? i want to make up stories about each one. turn that trash into art. ones trash is anothers treasure

saw mewithoutYou tonight. wow they are my favorite band live, when it comes to stage presence, for sure no doubt about it. they came to our local plan 9 record store and did a free in store show. they got there late b/c of a flat tire and only got to play about 5 songs but its ok b/c they are so so good. cant say it enough. if ya ever get the chance to see them please do. they are kinda hardcore and i dont like hardcore but this band is my only exception. so yes i bought the new cd and it is pretty good. i think i like the first one better though. after the show they stayed around and signed and gave away free posters and stickers. all the guys seem so nice. they are a christian band too. one of those bands that i feel is worthy to be "invited to join in the larger discussion of the mainstream."

Caedmon's Call
The Truth

I've been putting on and putting off too many people
And I'm getting old to live
like an injured man, ailments and unfilled prescriptions,
like the nose on my face
Like a broken boat, a safety raft, and a love for the water
Well I just can't decide
To sink or swim, it's me or them, Should I save myself
or go back for the others

Because maybe there's no gray and I was wrong to tell 'em so
And then maybe all that I've to do was done a long time ago

Because there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth's not contingent on me

Because I've been dressing up and dressing down for too many people
And I'm a little young to live
Like a troubled boy, a troubled soul, a fish out of water
Because we're all just the same
We're all just as good, and just as bad, and just as distracted
By the corners of our eyes
As our fathers were, and theirs before and all those before them,
And still I glance around

And with the way I stare you'd think I'd seen through a two-by-four
And with the way I walk you'd think I'd never seen grace before

Because there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth's not contingent on me

But I've been putting up, putting down too many things
That I know nothing about,
but I'm jealous of, holding pride as tight as I can
like she was my only daughter

Because there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth's not contingent on me

'Cause the truth's not contingent on me.

so yea i am a vegetarian now. which yes is very weird to most ppl and to myself being that a month ago and for the past year and some i have been hardcore atkins. buttt
oct 1st will be my one month anniversary..ha for lack of
words. but for the month of oct i am actually goin to go
vegan and see what happens from there. it is really going
really awesome. God is giving me alot of grace. but
really what had a big part in changing my mind was my friend mike's
blog entry and the parts where he wrote:

"people are deeply interested in it as well although they
have not the strength or caring capacity to stop doing
something they know is self defeating" "One agreed that
they would like to be vegan, but had not the moral
strength to do so, maybe he felt this way as we all would
like to travel the world or be millionaires but how is it
we can hold back other passions, for we know they too are
wrong, and not hold back when it comes to food is it that
we are already conditioned to the idea of necessary death
for a meal for me it takes little moral strength, once I
was properly informed I could not pretend I didn’t know,
for to betray myself is to scream mutiny and jump
overboard I do not wish to be blind when it comes to
what’s on the inside, and I simply do what I believe is
right while others seemed to just think this fools talk,
and possibly blasphemy against America itself it needed
to be known where I stand, although my reasons were not
detailed or convincing I was still respected and it is
known that I can work twice as hard with a clear
conscience and a good PB&J"

i was convicted by that and reminded of the verse
[1 Corinthians 6:19] in the bible that says, "Or do you
not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit
who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not
your own?"

and i think that so many christians do not really take
this verse into practice. that is why so many christians
are fat. but that we should be setting the example in
even our health. i was talkin to my friend christa about
it too. and she was saying that food is like the only
drug left for christians b/c we dont drink, smoke, or do
drugs, or whatever. and so we will use food to
satisfy and try and fill our voids instead of God. i was reading an article in relevant magazine called "taking on glutony" and it said, "Always included as one of the seven deadly sins, but never taken as seriously, gluttony is a vice we better pay attention to, before we are overtaken by it, literally.

Health surveys indicate that almost one-third of Americans can be categorized as obese, which means having an abnormally high percentage of body fat. I haven't seen a poll taken just among Christians, but my guess is that the results would be comparable to national averages. Even though its effects are so far-reaching, it seems that gluttony is one of the vices that most of us would rather ignore.

Call me an identifier of the obvious, but one reason that gluttony is such an ensnaring sin is because food is so unavoidable. Ecclesiastes 6:7 states: “All the toil of a man is for his mouth, yet his appetite is not satisfied.” A person who struggles with drunkenness may be able to stay away from alcohol, but all of our bodies need food."

I didnt want to do it at first b/c everyone thinks that i
am a vegetarians b/c i have dreads. but God showed me
that i have pride and that it didnt matter b/c like mike
said, "once I was properly informed I could not pretend I
didn’t know, for to betray myself is to scream mutiny and
jump overboard I do not wish to be blind when it comes to
what’s on the inside."

also i was looking on peta's
website and i read some articles and a paper i actually
wrote freshman year on hormones in meat and one of the
things that i read was that meat can increase my chances
of getting breast cancer [and being that i have already
had 4 lumps taken out of my breasts i thought that was
good reason to stop].

so God is teaching me self discipline. i have also been
running and going to the gym every morning.

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31).

i saw keane last night in DC at 930 club with my friend aimee and her friend tim. i had never been to see a show there before. it is really small but i liked it and they had good vegetarian food. but yea keane was amazing. the opening bad french kicks was alright. they ended up playing what seemed to be a longer set then keane b/c keane was conan that afternoon and had to fly on a private jet back to DC and they ended up flyin into dullas which is like an hour from 930 club. so there was an hour or more in between bands. during that hour me and tim talked some and we met all these guys that were super seniors at my college VCU and these other two girls that are in the navy and aimee had a B52 while i had a caramel Macchiato and we split our money and bought a sheet of keanes stickers. keane didnt even go on until 1115 or so but the tech guys had everything set up so when they got there they ran right on stage and their setlist included: this is the last time, sunshine, she has no time, we might as well be strangers, somewhere only we know, everybody's changing, bend and break, cant stop now, your eyes open, snowed under, and ended with on a day like today. then for the ancore they came back and played allemande and ended with bedshaped which is my favorite song by them and it was a perfect ending to an amazing night. the band was awesome to watch..ha i was laughing along with singing because if you have seen them or when you do youll notice that the piano player carrys the whole band when it comes to stage presence. he is insane. the lead singer looks just like he does in the music video..haha. doesnt know what to do and kneels down to end everysong and the drummer..well ya dont really notice him. on our way out tim grabbed me one of the many poster squares off the wall and we got outta there around 1230 and got home at like 230. i went right to bed with a smile on my face thinking about all the amazing bands i have seen these past few months [mogwai, muse, interpol, the rapture, ani difranco, and keane]

i recorded a spoken word poetry cd today. 29 tracks of my thoughts and recollections. some tracks have background music of mogwai, mum, explosions in the sky, a silver mt. zion, do make say think, brad mehldau, and nick syrett.

"we negotiate with chaos for some sense of satisfaction." -ani

solitude vs. communication
communication vs. comunion
phone conversations vs. the intimacy of now
being on the phone makes you two places at once but your focus is lead to the receiving end. the sounds of the others voice murmuring over its backdrop and static lead you away from your present state. takes your appreciation off of walking down the street or looking at someone and smiling. the image of 'stuck up' became more real to me in my poetry class as my teacher described how he never wanted to to be one of those guppys. but it imulates how i think i feel. i get so caught up in the potential of the moment that i dont find myself in it upon the recollection i always feel so disconnected like i am always looking forward to something and when i get to that place i forget that i was looking forward to that time b/c i am looking forward yet again to another. makes me scared of friendships and vulnerbility and humaness too. makes me want my friendships to be drawn out in pencil so that they are much easier to erase when need be. i want to step out of my reality sometimes but yet want to be so grounded. so i stare with my eyes open because i dont want to get lost in the silohettes behind them and "my make believing wont stop these feelings" there are moments in our lives that go on without closure- we have to go on living to find it

mercado
by lauren d'auria

sorry to break the mood
sorry to break the fun
but id rather sit and meditate
on what i and others have done
surrounded by a market of farmers
writing on a table of flowers
ill remain silent still and observe
background music and building backdrops
are here everyday i sit in the sun
behind my sunglasses i came
to take pictures but the glare is too strong
overwhelming the memory
i am trying to capture digital
will not except my intention
life is what happens
while i am busy making plans
i stop to snap what goes
faster
than
a
blink
patty the laptop librarian cant answer
the questions i want answered
i dont even know what the question is
all i know is i like the way
the sun feels beaming down on my back
simple moments remind me
that striving wipes them out.

what i learned today in scuola:
-it is impossible to watch your breathing without trying to control it
-breathing is both voluntary and involuntary
-your breathing is an exact mirror of your state of mind
-no two breaths are ever the same
-with every breath you are going in to being and out of being
-if you give a peice of your heart to the things that you own then you cant love people with all of your heart
-when self conciousness goes away then creativity can come in

-many of us who live too much in our minds can easily lead ourselves to freting over everything
[i can definately relate to that one. thinking can really stress me out..just tryin to understand things ..as my friend aimee's song says "...oh to just be..." "i come broken in my bitterness, lost in my understanding, i come only to find Your lovely face smiling just for me"]

what i learned in my head:
myJesus has been convicting me of a lot lately and it hasnt been really hard to obey b/c of His amazing grace. but really what has been on my mind is kinda what Christa was saying about how the church needs to step up when it comes to setting the standards in writing music and making movies, inventions,, etc. instead of dodging the world we we need to be the most creative ..and we our letting ourselves be out done. it is so much easier to be inspired by the things around us instead of spending time w/ God and seekin him out on the 'latest greatest' creative idea He wants to release. but i was talkin to my campus minister about it and how i am saddened by the stereotypes i hear non christians have about the church in general. She agreed w/ me on alot but she also did a good job of pointing me back to the Lord. she was talkin about how God can give me discernment in an area and if i complain about it then i am nullifying its purpose and depending on how i speak about it to other ppl can change their life and world mindset or it can lead them further away from God. the verse that she gave me was Jeremiah 17:5-10

5This is what the LORD says: "Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans and turn their hearts away from the LORD.
(i feel that i am trying to convince myself that i can trust in man and in myself but i cant. my campus minister was saying in my response to my concern for the stereotypes the world puts on christians was that 'christians are not trying to change non christians view of christians, but christians are trying to change non christians view of Christ!')
6They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, on the salty flats where no one lives.
(wow. if we are christians that dont give our whole life to the Lord but makes flesh our strength then our eyes will be blinded to the good the Lord can do b/c of our own lack of faith hence the reason we stay on our christian bubbles and have no impact)
7"But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. 8They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit.
9"The human heart is most deceitful and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? 10But I know! I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve."
(God protect me from myself and my natural ability to deceive myself. dont let what is around me steer my faith. it took me so long to realize that i ran away from the love of my life)

ecclesiastes 5:7 ...there is ruin in a flood of empty words. Fear God instead
Lord dont let my words fall to the ground

unheard of
by lauren d'auria

silence runs amuck
down the halls not found
in our generation
twentieth century age of noise
serves attention deficit disorder
dodging focus
dodging concentration
not chasing or hunting down silence
silence is unheard of
soundless sounds cant be found
stillness always has a rumble
of at least our A/C
to sit and not think of anything
would seem blasphemous
to on the move USA
unproductive always have to have
some place togo
appearance lacks experience
while i sit alone thinking
what to do and never doing it
learn to talk and you are fine
follow through just might
not matter these days
but Im still young
scribble scribble dot dot
i forgot my cootie shot.
oh no what now?
who cares what's there
the mind fields everywhere
'bless you' 'have a nice day'
pause if you are there-
a good stopping place
how can it be found?

apologetic amateur
by lauren d'auria

obligation to rhyme intrudes
carefully providing vacuums
what do you expect from a room
full of amateurs?
apologia full effect
refuge moments of silence
i don't want to lie or recall
move from memory to invention
let imagination meet with
the detail of your memory
deception deceiving yourself
i'm not able to listen
i could respond. yes.
could i repeat. no.
noticing things subconsciously
so regular no credit given
so careful to tell me a great deal
nonchalantly narrated
on the edge of my chair
as if intently listening
time goes by and nothing
audible and the inaudible
when you think you care so much
about that something but you know
you really don't, like a
a modern day greaser with Nike's
that forgot to role up his sleeves

im trying to increase my awareness of all that IS, ending destructive patterns that i am finding in my life, and basically opening myself up as much as possible. i love when ppl put words into my mouth! that is why i love music so much..lyrics speak to me alot and bring words out of my heart that were there but couldnt simplify into an explanation until the moment i hear them uttered at the mouth of another and it clicks and a witness in my spirit.

in the bible it says that God is love. so yes i think there is a love source that comes from the plane beyond ours that we can open up to and run to that transforms our essence into light. but i do feel that it matters how someone veiws God. b/c i think that you can not know or embrace true love until you know Him b/c He IS love. and from that knowledge of His love we will find happiness and satisfaction and where we will find the strength and the compassion for ppl.

just as the Sun cannot exist without the Moon, and Love cannot exist without God

i write so that i can remember yesturday and inspire my tomorrow

i changed majors and i am loving it so much. i was painting/printmaking major for all you who didnt know and now i am an international studies major w/ italian and religious studies minors. so listen to what i call school. my classes include: intro to world music, creative writing poetry, intro to anthropology, wonders of technology (where me and my sister are lab partners) anddd italian 201. i am excited to get away from painting and actually learn something. the funny thing is is that i am feeling more creative then ever b/c i have come to realize that art school (those two words together dont go) sucked it out of me and made art a job instead of enjoyment. but being in my poetry class i feel like my thought mind is really interacting with me. i feel like i could be seen by others and others have actually told me that i am "deep" but really all i long to do is understand. thats what my intro to world music teacher was talking about. how we have an enstinct to want to understand.

while sitting in in the dark in intro to world music listening to a nature sounds tape ths came to mind:
all americans do to embrace natures calls is drive to the nearest target to buy what another has recorded, bring it to their a/c house - push play -push repeat and listen the sounds of nature that they could get a step away for free , but all we care about is the experience free of misquitos and sunburn and sweat and itchy grass. is this what we call embracing our world?

i think one of my favorite places to be is in a place listening to someone where i have no comprehension of what they are talking about but being so interested in what i dont understand that it doesnt matter my level of ignorance. steeping myself so much in someone else that there is no ego load. when my poetry teacher said those words i laughed and rewound it in my head to try and write it down to give it some possible amount of credit just wishing i had a recorder. its so true though and it happens to me atleast once a day and he said it and wow i am amazed at his every word that simply describe the simplicity of life in such a poetic way.

so what conclusion have i come to so far? i will answer that with another few quotes my poetry teacher said: "how do you know what you think until you see what you say? visit what you do and rather then driving what you do to meaning ..release it. you are always processing your whole life all the time."

day one of a life of vegetarianism

maybe
by lauren d'auria

widdle waddle swish swash
open close late again.
another day i wondered off.
lost again.
i stopped for a moment and it turned into endless seas of sight, smell, sound.
no other witness.
no thing could record or repeat or explain the freedom of the silence of it.
all.
spinning, twirling, around, around-
that feeling between dizziness and surrendering to the fall,
the length that stays between you and the ground meet once again.
squish plop blob splash.
no words besides these onomatopoeias
float and flutter over wind.
they are the sustenance of our speech.
what can describe the beauty that is exagerated behind closed eyes?
no boundaries, no dimensions, no stuttering syllables,
but silence still remains perfected to be completed and completely uncompleted
by a bell chiming to remind you reality hit my face,
my head nodded off,
once again hoping this time it could have been real.

"O God, who am I that You should love me so!  And Who are You that You can love me so?" -gary wiens

"In our pursuit of pleasure and meaning we run here and there, trying one job or recreational activity after another, collecting experiences but never devoting ourselves to one direction. As you gaze upon the heart of God and begin to grasp that His emotions toward you are of gladness and burning passion for intimacy, nothing in the world will suffice. What you enjoy and desire narrows down to one thing. You begin to want to pour out your life in extravagant devotion upon the feet of Jesus. When your heart is conquered by the One who is fascinating, then no other captivation will satisfy. You will refuse to dwell anywhere but in this position of waiting on Him. You'll pursue Him alone, not allowing yourself to be distracted by anything less. Your hunger will be fixed on a single Source. There will be no going back to what used to bring satisfaction. Secondary pleasures will fade away.

This way of living, while exhilarating, disturbs and provokes people who are still living for many things. They ask, "Why waste your time on that? Why this extreme devotion? What's going on here? You've got to diversify, be more well-rounded, cultivate other interests. You're putting all your eggs in one basket." They don't understand the extravagance of being single-mindedly His. They feel blamed because their lifestyle is not focused on one thing. They might conclude that the person of one thing is mentally off or caught up in religious fanaticism, or has gone too far and will eventually swing back to normal.

when the transformation is complete we will no longer ask, "What is the minimum that is required of me? What can I get by with?" Rather, we'll ask, "What is the very most I can give? I want to give it all!" When you discover the pleasure of living for one thing, you become ruined for anything less."

-mike bickle
 

God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, "Abba, Father!" [gal 4:4-6]

so i did it. i layed my pillow on the floor and sprawled out in God's presence and listened. He was faithful to speak. so often that is the problem- we never answer the phone when He calls, instead we hit the ignore button and get pissed b/c He doesnt leave a voicemail. hold a grudge instead of calling Him back. Lord i am scared to tell you that i will do whatever it takes b/c i know that you would just rather me do it then to make another promise word covenant. so give me grace to take it one day at a time and press on.

dear paul,
im sitting here and staring at the wall trying not to think of the only thing that keeps coming to mind. misery. i feel trapped within my freedom left only walking aroundin familiar circles. im watching ,not trying but wanting to be someone that im not. i feel like im God's princess longing to explore beyond the confines of my palace seeking comfort and not this corsette. maybe i dont like beds with canapy's. maybe i dont want a life of luxory. what is it like to have nothing? or to not get of what ive asked? ive never known the common life, of working for a living and having to deny a desire only to get what i absolutely need. what is that? i dont think i would ever have to buy anything again. maybe if i dont want anymore then ill never be envious. maybe if i dont desire anymore then i will never be lacking. when will satisfaction come? is contentment around the corner? is the airvent open?
from lauren

dearest lauren,
before you gentiles knew God you were slaves to so called gods that do not even exist. and now that you have found God (or should is say, now that God has found you), why do you want to go back again and become slaves once more to the weak and useless spiritual powers of this world? you are trying to find favor with God by what you do or dont do on certain days or months or seasons or years. i fear for you. i am afraid all my hard work for you was worth nothing. dear brothers and sisters i plead with you to live as i do in freedom from these things [gal 4:8-12]
you were getting along so well. who has interfered with you to hold you back from following the truth? it certainly isnt God, for he is the one who called you to freedom [gal 5:7-8]
dont get tired of doing what is good. dont get discouraged and give up, for we reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time [gal 6:9]
from paul

got a xanga
http://www.xanga.com/doveeyes
am i trader? not yet

A Prayer of Barrenness

My heart aches. I love Him, yes, but faintly.
I desire Him, yes, but weakly.
I want Him, true, but waveringly.
Even the pain that lies within
I recognize to be such faint pain,
A mere discomfort next to the heart-wrenching anguish
That grips true lovers
My knowledge is nothing. My wisdom, infancy.
I see nothing as it truly is.
Eternity what is light. This life of earth what is dark.
Stories remain stories. Not sinking deep within my soul,
And scarring me with Divine invasion
Your cross is a picture, Your Heaven a fantasy.
Tears are sweet emotions, moved by Your sacrifice.
But not the tears of sharing in Your sufferings.
I say Your name so sweetly but do not know its Face.
All I am is far. So distant, so removed.
But You beckon me come.
Yet, my Lord, I am nothing. I have nothing. I know nothing.
When I thought I had something,
It dissolved before Your beauty,
And I was left naked. Possessing nothing.
Poor for words. Empty of all. Needy and alone.
Even so, my Love, call me.
Yes, do not leave me here but beckon me come.
Though I have nothing, though I am only poor,
I cast myself on your unfailing love
Where else would I go?
Whom have I but You?

By Dana Candler

collaborative stranger
by lauren d'auria, rachel, Mew, and Anonymous

'like strangers that know each other really well'
'connected by something that can't be explained'
'not quite friends but not quite strangers'
the awkwardness of newness embodied in the moment
looking back on the comfort of the well known
contemplating dancing around it-
the all familiar notorious phrase
repeating the words 'hi, how are you?' in different ways.
but there is a distinctive difference floating.
the fixed gaze of the other seems inundatingly natural.
were the memories made forgotten?
or is it simply a reminding coincidence?
'this week i met somebody well.. kind of new.
spent two days and no longer 'strangers."
like at first site. like its always been
i feel as if ive known you without beginning

"hello"
by lauren d'auria

hello miscommunication i'm back
but its ok just dont peer pressure me
meaningless words are fake
might as well be a lip sink
not fulfilling the void of their sound
not completing what was meant to be heard
long times of blank black outs
streaks of all, streaks of nothing
satisfied by soundless associated affection
together lacking a phrase also lacking awkwardness
no stressful burdens no untalented shows by amatuer acting
no implementing a personable first impression
now that sounds good to me
there there nothing at all
and i remembered what i read
that a Greek philosopher said:
" the lonely man is the strongest man."

[i watched the sunset above the city on the top of a parking garage in the fan]
by lauren d'auria

...the light that is turned on by the morning each day is turned off and replaced by a natural bulbed night light. the rise and set are so beautiful yet decoratively subtle they are a not but special miricle. the free showing comes twice a day unseen by the neglectful audience of self included. there is no stage curtain covered in eyes waiting to be pulled. only two twelve hour scenes accented by its frame of surrounding clouds and as far as you can see, underlined by the horizon. the sun is so bright that when it retreats it leaves a few minute trail on one side of the earth on its way to visit the other. there's the moon, thumbnail, cut, only a slice tonight. the sun will return again shortly preceding the newspaper and coffee...

things our generation doesnt know how to do:

1. use a phone book
2. use a map
3. memorize phone numbers
4. do math with out a calculator
5. (you add one)

a convicting question that my friend asked me:

what would the world be like if everyone prayed as much as you do?

'and still His speech slumbers within our breast like a love-song half forgotten, and sometimes it burns itself through to our memory'
'now a man who loves with his heart yet holds a doubt in his mind, is but a slave in a gallery who sleeps at his oar and dreams of freedom, till the lash of the master wakes him'
'doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.'
'when He smiled His smile was as the hunger of those who long after the unknown. it was like the dust of stars falling upon the eyelids of children. and it was like a morsel of bread in the throat.'
'He saw for our eyes and heard for our ears, and our silent words were upon His lips; and His fingers touched what we could not feel.'
"oftentimes i have seen Him bend down to touch the blades of grass. And in my heart i have heard Him say: 'little green things, you shall be with me in my kingdom'"
'he loved all things of loveliness, the shy faces of children.'
'aye, He was a poet whose heart dwelt in a bower beyond the heights, and His songs though sung for our ears, were sung for other ears also, and to men in another land where life is forever young and time is always dawn.'
'and since i have known that my lyre has but one string, and that my voice weaves neither the memories of yesturday nor the hopes of tomorrow, I have put aside my lyre and i shall keep silence. but always at twilight i shall hearken, and i shall listen to the poet who is the sovreign of all poets.'
'on the day of reckoning these women shall rise before the throne of the Father, and they shall be made pure by their own tears. but you shall be held down by the chains of your own judgement. babylon was not put to waste by her prostitutes; Babylon fell to ashes that the eyes of her hypocrites might no longer see the light of day'
'all that was timeless before Him became timeful in Him.'
'we whose senses have been dulled, we gaze in full daylight and yet we do not see. we would cup our ears, but we do not hear; and stretch forth our hands, but we do not touch. and though all the incense of arabia, we go our own way and do not smell.'
'to Him the root of a buttercup was a longing towards God, while to us it is naught but a root.'

-kahlil gibran (Jesus: the son of man)