its when i come to a point that im answering the questions 'how are you?' with 'fine', and 'what have you been doing?' with 'nothing...just working' -that i know i need to move. living a stagnant life will not be my cup of tea (and i love tea)

lina scheynius

merry xmas

'life is not the goal, it is the process. it is the getting there, not the arrival. dont fear change, for growing, learning, and experiencing is change. to deny change is to deny the only single reality. there is no stopping it, no holding it back, there is only going with it. there is a hindu tale about a man in a small boat rowing up a fast flowing river against the current. after a great battle, he finally discovers that the effort is futile, so he gives up, raises his oars and begins to sing. the moment teaches him a new way of life; only when he goes with the changing river is man truly free. there is potential lying dormant with in you to be realized. this should challenge you to be the best, most loving, feeling, intelligent person he is capable of. his search is not in competition with anyone elses. he becomes his own personal challenge. you are the best you- its the easiest, most practical, most rewarding thing to be. ' -leo buscaglia

STEFAN BRÜGGEMANN

these three thoughts seem to be going through my head a lot these days. is it ironic that someone chose to display them in such a vulnerably artistic way? in january ill be a year away from the inevitable quarter life crisis and im being forced to realize that its not really "cool" to have no idea what i want to do with my life. maybe my lack of inspiration, clarity, and constant reminder of this will cause inspiration as was the artist who made these neon signs.

Myoung Ho Lee

kalos kai agathos

the singular balance of the good and the beautiful.
how to balance the urge for pleasure against the longing for devotion.

'sometimes i feel like i understand the divinity of this world, but then i lose it because i get distracted by my petty desires and fears...I guess what i want to learn is how to live in this world and enjoy its delights, but also devote myself to God'
(eat pray love)

Martin Klimas

"expose yourself to the pleasures and pain of this life
You can let down your guard tonight" -LP

fortune cookie

the minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settled for

"it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection" - the bhagavad gita

w.churchill

what people say about me behind my back is none of my business

"the more im afraid of something -
the more i know i have to do it
ive figured that out
i can lead a protected life hiding away from the scary world
or i can take on the things that scare me the most
the more it might hurt
the more i might die doing it
the more worth doing it must be"

-jody, the L word

the middle

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright .

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

-Jimmy Eat World

twas a dreadful day

(28sept02-20nov07)

Bitches in Tokyo

You can write my place out
Of the life you make
And all then things that mattered
When you knew my face
Cross off all the ways I failed you
Because I failed you
But I'm still in your blood
I'm still in your blood

The time when all our mistakes made sense
You needed it
The time when all the lying
You sympathized with sin
All this sabotage and blame
Well I can take it
Because I want you back

Temporary battles
Can take up half your life
How you dig your bed
Will it help you sleep at night
Forgiveness like a blanket
That you want to forget
But you still crumble at my name
You still crumble at my name

The time when all our mistakes made sense
You needed it
The time when all the lying
You sympathized with sin
All this sabotage and blame
Well I can take it
Because I want you back

toms

"we see addiction everyday.
its shocking how many kinds of addiction exist.
it would be too easy if it was just drugs and boose and cigarettes.
i think the hardest part about kicking a habbit is wanting to kick it.
i mean we get addicted for a reason right?
often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life- at some point cross the line to obsesssive, compulsive, and out of control.
its the high we're chasing; the high that makes everything else fade away.

the thing about addiction is- it never ends well
bc eventually whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good and starts to hurt.
still they say you dont kick the habbit until you hit rock bottom,
but how do you know when youre there?
bc no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse."
-grey's anatomy

Maracujá

Maracujá

tonight confirmed how much i love the interconnectness of life and further clarified what i have been learning about people and things in general. that nothing is random. that everything happens for a reason and how things can happen when you least expect them to. we always need to be aware and open to the potential lessons we might be taught at any given moment.
today we planned on going to brooklyn and staying there all night but when we finished dinner we decided to go back to shannons to change and drop off all our stuff. good thing.
we were taking our time drinking and just being together having a good time along w waiting for our friends to call us to meet up. once they did we loudly made our way to the L train headed downtown to bedford. jenna was over emphasizing the power of her 'motherpucking' lip gloss, forcing it upon our lips when we noticed this guy standing next to us. he was back and forth between reading and playing w his iphone. we had been waiting probably 5 or ten minutes and he was obviously listening in on our boisterous chatter. he interjected by saying, 'ive heard of that stuff' and jenna willingly offered him some. he turned down her offer but invited the conversation.
we asked him what his plans were and invited him to change them. we finally reached our stop and it seemed natural that he get off w us. he seemed soft spoken but witty and the way he squinched his face when he talked intrigued me.

there were 7 familiar faces around the table coming and leaving through out the night but it ended up just me and him. we talked about everything from love and life to pain and growth. our views agreed in so many ways. he loved what i loved. he's been hurt where i've been hurt. we are both broken beings putting ourselves back together. 'Every Passing Minute Is Another Chance To Turn It All Around'

'i am a masachist. not as much physically , but emotionally' .
'This heavyness.... makes me feel happy. I know I'm human."

he had this desire of wanting to love someone so much and then be hurt by them. its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. these things make life real. and being ok with our emotions. but at the same time learning to control them. recognizing the situation when it faces you again shows you whether or not you have learned from the previous one. he talked about the importance of confronting your own emotions and being open when people truly ask how you are doing. being comfortable enough to admit when you aren't that great. because if you say that you are ok when you really aren't then you will begin to believe your way of being is actually ok when it isn't.
vulnerablity with out regret.

ai ki do
ai- joining, harmonizing
ki- spirit, life energy
do- a way or path

he has the triangle circle and square hidden along the side of his thumb but it is a way of life. the push and pull. "the Way of unifying (with) life energy" . "the Way of harmonious spirit." This is a form of martial arts but can be applied to the battle of your own emotions and thoughts, or interaction with people in anyway. one seeks to neutralize an aggressor without causing harm. The founder of aikido declared, "To control aggression without inflicting injury is the Art of Peace. one may receive an attack and harmlessly redirect it. the betterment of daily life. i had learned about this philosophy in zen class but it didnt hit me like it did when he explained it.

we talked about religion and the secret, the law of attraction, and being in control of your own destiny on earth. we talked about the inadequacy of the current educational system and how most americans, including myself, live on both sides of comfort and fear. and the similarities between the two. we talked about the listening book and how he was obsessed with saying the word 'porch' and how after long it lost its meaning. or if you write a word over and over enough times it becomes a shape. the complexity of simplicity and beauty of routine.

he used the word 'colored' a lot to describe people. a synonym for experienced. i like that.

Don't sit there watching the wind. Do your own work.
Don't stare at the clouds. Get on with your life.
(Ecclesiastes 11:4)

we talked about the difference between going after something and going with the natural flow of things. how when we desire something. having an idea of what you want, speaking it out there but not letting it control you.

this summary hardly contains what words we exchanged or expresses the impact it had. but i dont need to remember the exact words bc they themselves are transforming and changing me. i love how small the world is and how we are more alike then we might think we are. i could talk to him all day.

cinque

"sacrifice is a part of life. its supposed to be. its not something to regret its something to aspire to."

"you have peace when you make it with yourself"

"he enjoyed doing things the 'sophisticated people' would never do"

"he sat down in his life and there he remained"

[this quote hit me hard. i feel like i have been 'sitting down' a lot lately. i am losing site of my goals and what i want to do w my life. wanting to go places, wanting to be in a constant state of learning. i have been far too comfortable. i have been far too selfish and it has been far from beneficial. my eternal perspective is dwindling. and my attempts at grasping the temporary pleasures of this world have been futile.]

"we move through places every day that would never have been if not for those who came before us. we often think they began w our arrival. thats not true."

"silence was his escape, but silence is rarely a refuge. his thoughts still haunted him"

"holding anger is a poison. it eats you from inside. we think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. but hatred is a curved blade. and the harm we do, we do to ourselves"

"memory . memory becomes your partner. you nurture it. you hold it. you dance w it"

"its never hard to act ordinary if you feel ordinary"

[ordinary is the last thing i want to be and i know i am far from it. when i start believing that i am is when i know i need to pull away.]

"the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one"

"everyone is in your life for a reason. you may not have known the reason at the time"

"there are no random acts. we are all connected. you can no more seperate one life from another than you can seperate a breeze from the wind"

"fairness does not govern life and death"

"nothing is random. there is a balance to it all. one withers, another grows. birth and death are part of a whole"

"strangers are just family you have yet to come to know"

"no life is a waste. the only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone."

[life is amazing and ive been through so much this year. many emotions. new and old. i have learned how to live in the now. in the moment. i have learned true friendship. i have learned what i want to be and what i dont want to be, and i am moving forward. i will no longer allow myself to be held down. be kept in a box of speculation or pettyness. each day is new and i am free as the sea. we choose our path. we create our destiny and it should be effortless. live to love and love to live. with out regret we press on.]

:five people you meet in heaven:

when i ash my cigarette

i pretend like its snowing

1 Euro = 1.3769 U.S. dollars

"I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travels sake. The great affair is to move." -Robert Louis Stevenson

This is the first time I wasn't excited to leave. But now that I'm gone I feel refreshed. It's good for me to get away- to regain perspective. It's like I'm lost in a timeless cycle. Quite possibly a digression. We flew here w nothing planned and we are definitely ready for the challenge and unknown adventure. Going w the flow has always proved itself worthy.

Every morning we walk down the narrow sidewalks to the corner store dragging our fingers up and down the ridged metal garage doors hoping the store will be open. It's not as convenient as America. An old man walks home, hands full of groceries and a daughter and her mother fight over who will carry theirs.
The Spanish language makes every petty statement sound intriguing and beautiful.
I have noticed hardly any litter, making me hesitant to trash my cig on the curb.
I love how fast cars charge around the turns and how I'm still drawn to walk in the streets because they are as wide as our sidewalks in America.

A parrot was whistling as one would to a beautiful woman

San Juan- the longest day of the year, first day of summer
The subway flooded w kids our age all heading to the same place. We were few in the masses of people as far as you could see on both sides. People drinking, streaking and running into the sea, setting off fireworks in every direction (as they had been the whole week in preparation). Some people had tents- knowing and willing to pass out and they did. This one night seemed to be the night to forget about responsibilities and to live. It's their independence day, in a way, freedom from thoughts in order to be as impulsive as they wish. And we joined them

Up the street from our hostel Jeff and I heard music coming from a house.
We just walked right up this ladder to the back balcony like we were invited. Like we come there all the time. I was handed a sparkler and we leaned up against the balcony to watch the fireworks over the city still going off on the beach we had just left. There was a little walkway into the house, like a bridge overlooking the pool. We had to push our way through hoping nobody would stop us or talk to us in Spanish and blow our cover. The house was a true house party.
3 tables of liquor. We helped ourselves and continued on into the living room where there was a dj. They were lighting their sparklers so I lit mine on someone's and danced circles.

I tried to get the pigeons to eat off my stomach but they wouldn't
There was an old man sitting -manually turning a music box. Looked like he hadn't spoken in years, much less been spoken to. The creases around his mouth were frozen to frown which contrasted his cheery tunes.

"There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. that's how your whole life will feel some day" -invisible monsters.

e.mma

"i like to define myself, not to be defined

people talk too much but often say nothing.
sometimes silence is gratifying.

human behaviour fascinates me , my own is a complete mystery.

i like to live for the moments of bliss where I escape 'me' and just 'am'.

i cherish my insignificance."

watch this video

best albums of 06
some of these came out in 06, some of them didnt but this is what i was stuck on (and p.s.- these arent in any order):

Camera Obscura -Let's Get Out of This Country

Cat Power -The Greatest

Beirut -Gulag Orkestar

Neko Case -Fox Confessor Brings the Flood

Joanna Newsom -Ys

The Decemberists- the Crane Wife

Damien rice- 9

ratatat- classics

the blow- paper television

Margot & The Nuclear So & So's- The Dust of Retreat

lady sovereign- public warning

Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins- Rabbit Fur Coat

Folksongs For The Afterlife- Put Danger Back In Your Life

Idan Raichel Project- The Idan Raichel Project

José González - Veneer

mat kearney- nothing left to lose

mew- and the glass handed kites

ray lamontagne- till the sun turns black

regina spektor- begin to hope

psapp- tiger, my friend

the shins- wincing the night away

sia- colour the small one

sufjan stevens- the avalanche

thom yorke- the eraser

tilly and the wall- bottoms of barrels

tunng- Comments Of The Inner Chorus

beach house- beach house

the knife- silent shout