30 September 2007



tonight confirmed how much i love the interconnectness of life and further clarified what i have been learning about people and things in general. that nothing is random. that everything happens for a reason and how things can happen when you least expect them to. we always need to be aware and open to the potential lessons we might be taught at any given moment.
today we planned on going to brooklyn and staying there all night but when we finished dinner we decided to go back to shannons to change and drop off all our stuff. good thing.
we were taking our time drinking and just being together having a good time along w waiting for our friends to call us to meet up. once they did we loudly made our way to the L train headed downtown to bedford. jenna was over emphasizing the power of her 'motherpucking' lip gloss, forcing it upon our lips when we noticed this guy standing next to us. he was back and forth between reading and playing w his iphone. we had been waiting probably 5 or ten minutes and he was obviously listening in on our boisterous chatter. he interjected by saying, 'ive heard of that stuff' and jenna willingly offered him some. he turned down her offer but invited the conversation.
we asked him what his plans were and invited him to change them. we finally reached our stop and it seemed natural that he get off w us. he seemed soft spoken but witty and the way he squinched his face when he talked intrigued me.

there were 7 familiar faces around the table coming and leaving through out the night but it ended up just me and him. we talked about everything from love and life to pain and growth. our views agreed in so many ways. he loved what i loved. he's been hurt where i've been hurt. we are both broken beings putting ourselves back together. 'Every Passing Minute Is Another Chance To Turn It All Around'

'i am a masachist. not as much physically , but emotionally' .
'This heavyness.... makes me feel happy. I know I'm human."

he had this desire of wanting to love someone so much and then be hurt by them. its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. these things make life real. and being ok with our emotions. but at the same time learning to control them. recognizing the situation when it faces you again shows you whether or not you have learned from the previous one. he talked about the importance of confronting your own emotions and being open when people truly ask how you are doing. being comfortable enough to admit when you aren't that great. because if you say that you are ok when you really aren't then you will begin to believe your way of being is actually ok when it isn't.
vulnerablity with out regret.

ai ki do
ai- joining, harmonizing
ki- spirit, life energy
do- a way or path

he has the triangle circle and square hidden along the side of his thumb but it is a way of life. the push and pull. "the Way of unifying (with) life energy" . "the Way of harmonious spirit." This is a form of martial arts but can be applied to the battle of your own emotions and thoughts, or interaction with people in anyway. one seeks to neutralize an aggressor without causing harm. The founder of aikido declared, "To control aggression without inflicting injury is the Art of Peace. one may receive an attack and harmlessly redirect it. the betterment of daily life. i had learned about this philosophy in zen class but it didnt hit me like it did when he explained it.

we talked about religion and the secret, the law of attraction, and being in control of your own destiny on earth. we talked about the inadequacy of the current educational system and how most americans, including myself, live on both sides of comfort and fear. and the similarities between the two. we talked about the listening book and how he was obsessed with saying the word 'porch' and how after long it lost its meaning. or if you write a word over and over enough times it becomes a shape. the complexity of simplicity and beauty of routine.

he used the word 'colored' a lot to describe people. a synonym for experienced. i like that.

Don't sit there watching the wind. Do your own work.
Don't stare at the clouds. Get on with your life.
(Ecclesiastes 11:4)

we talked about the difference between going after something and going with the natural flow of things. how when we desire something. having an idea of what you want, speaking it out there but not letting it control you.

this summary hardly contains what words we exchanged or expresses the impact it had. but i dont need to remember the exact words bc they themselves are transforming and changing me. i love how small the world is and how we are more alike then we might think we are. i could talk to him all day.

21 September 2007


"sacrifice is a part of life. its supposed to be. its not something to regret its something to aspire to."

"you have peace when you make it with yourself"

"he enjoyed doing things the 'sophisticated people' would never do"

"he sat down in his life and there he remained"

[this quote hit me hard. i feel like i have been 'sitting down' a lot lately. i am losing site of my goals and what i want to do w my life. wanting to go places, wanting to be in a constant state of learning. i have been far too comfortable. i have been far too selfish and it has been far from beneficial. my eternal perspective is dwindling. and my attempts at grasping the temporary pleasures of this world have been futile.]

"we move through places every day that would never have been if not for those who came before us. we often think they began w our arrival. thats not true."

"silence was his escape, but silence is rarely a refuge. his thoughts still haunted him"

"holding anger is a poison. it eats you from inside. we think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. but hatred is a curved blade. and the harm we do, we do to ourselves"

"memory . memory becomes your partner. you nurture it. you hold it. you dance w it"

"its never hard to act ordinary if you feel ordinary"

[ordinary is the last thing i want to be and i know i am far from it. when i start believing that i am is when i know i need to pull away.]

"the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one"

"everyone is in your life for a reason. you may not have known the reason at the time"

"there are no random acts. we are all connected. you can no more seperate one life from another than you can seperate a breeze from the wind"

"fairness does not govern life and death"

"nothing is random. there is a balance to it all. one withers, another grows. birth and death are part of a whole"

"strangers are just family you have yet to come to know"

"no life is a waste. the only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone."

[life is amazing and ive been through so much this year. many emotions. new and old. i have learned how to live in the now. in the moment. i have learned true friendship. i have learned what i want to be and what i dont want to be, and i am moving forward. i will no longer allow myself to be held down. be kept in a box of speculation or pettyness. each day is new and i am free as the sea. we choose our path. we create our destiny and it should be effortless. live to love and love to live. with out regret we press on.]

:five people you meet in heaven: