30 March 2004

i missed my fish today
i keep calling my new fish
by my old fish's name
my heart strings dropped
pulling my eyes to water
that morning when i saw
doz whiter then usual
and laying in an uncommon
fish position: upside down.
i still havent let go
but scared my roommate
when she found my pet
frozen in a container
waiting to be sealed in acrylic.
sometimes late at night
i go to say hi to
his now rock solid body
though i probably look pathetic
standing over a plastic bag,
it is ok
If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far to easily pleased. -C.S.Lewis

28 March 2004

my desk is by my window now
i get to look out
into my great view of another brick wall
its almost the same
but different then the one behind my desk
except the windows across the parking lot
are still there
the one in the brick wall in my room
has been filled in
its obvious where the ark and ledge used to be
i wonder how old it is
and when and why they decided to paint it white
disguising all the age
or maybe the death of bugs by blind flight
hiding all the weathered uniqueness

my desk is by my window now
i always usually have it open
when the weather agrees
my screen insert keeps everything out
except for the occasional breeze
and the sound of laughing in the distance
the sound of car doors shutting
and the horn honking
a sign that its locked
or is it really? my car gets confused sometimes

25 March 2004

my fish died. what a good thing to wake up to. i changed his water last night and i forgot to put the water purifier in it so that might be the reason but usually that is why my past fish have died in like one week. so its a mystery. but i am going to figure out how to mount doz on my wall. b/c ill miss his green eyelids.

R.I.P. doz [iloveyou]

24 March 2004

i have dug too deep
i have been too much convinced
i have found the only way
there is no more blindfold
and no more pin the tail on the donkey

17 March 2004

there are so many words and things going thru my head that i am indirectly taking in and thinking about and sorting and either stay in between my ears or go in one and out the other. what i choose to receive doesnt seem like it is necessarily my choice. the ppl that i come across isnt maybe who i would always want to come across but can i just learn to be open to letting the Lord teach me or speak to me thru anything or anyone unexpected. or maybe i will speak into someones life and not know it. this break has been great getting away from it all and not having to think on command or retain information on command for homework or make a peice of art to then be stored later on in the hole above my closet. but i have gotten to spend some time w/ ppl that i dont usually get to. i got to go to a church i normally wouldnt have gone to w/ my gmom and got to see another form of worship, realizing that my way isnt the only way. learning how to not just label religion as works but being able to look thru it seeing the heart of a person. as an observer, just feeling and seeing the Lord smiling down on it even tho to me it seemed so structured. and also being able to sit down with my gmom for awhile- two ppl of two different generations- listening to her wisdom received thru time and experience. (how i can know a person for my whole life and actually never really know them) she has always been there but just from a far as my grandmom, 'the manner lady,' but this weekend i got to hear some, maybe to everyone else, small and insignificant information- like she was born in west virginia and she was bit by a rat in her crib when she was a baby and it left a life long scar (that had always been there but i had never seen or maybe just never cared enough to ask about). so far this is all i really know about her as a child except for the portrait painting of her above her living room couch. as i grow up i have come to realize so much more that i wish i had when i was younger. so that i could have used my time more wisely.
i wish that i didnt wait until last year to start playing piano.
but as the quote in vanilla sky goes:
"every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around"

there is an analogy about kids in a playground and how if they dont have a fence around the play ground that they will tend to stay in the middle b/c they dont know how far they can go but if there is a fence then they will go all the way up to it b/c there is an amount of safety. well i feel like one of those fenceless kids. and right now i am right in the middle looking out on this big world as i go up and down on my sea saw (for lack of words)

09 March 2004

its funny how everyone can be off key
but when in a crowd it sounds in harmony
its funny how the sounds of nature
seem to work together to make music

its not funny how someone can talk alot
and end up never doing anything
or someone can do alot
but never talk about it
is one better then the other?
do ppl that talk alot end up doing more
then the person who lives to see what the day will bring?

blah blah blah
clanging cymbol
noise noise noise
24 desk people

24 people sitting stagnate in desks
withheld in rows and columns.
24 people have 24 life stories.
have 24 different outfits on
and 24 sets of parents.
some might know each other
most don't.
the only connection is this one class
in their schedule and one's feet
on the back of the others chair.
are we really as individual
as our desks make us to be?
(i want to scoot my chair
closer to the desk
but there is a factory made distance
metal exposed bars
holding it all together
the desk doesn't have legs of its own
without the chair the desk will fall
therefore it stays
where the chair says it will stay)
having our own chair with its own desk
doesn't mean we have our own opinions.
24 people influenced
by at least 24 others
once a week class which means
once a week seen
by these other 23
would i recognize them
outside this room?
or am i stuck in a system?
of robotic response
come to class and leave right after
look straight ahead
sshh no talking
we just might be as real
as the desk.

05 March 2004

agressively calm and so loudly quiet

I rode my bike to get away from city sounds
but ran into all its reminders-
everyone else trying to get away.
the river is so aggressively calm
and so loudly quiet
it reaches a state of perfection in flow
people seem to admire it and want to be near it
as it just does it's own thing
in repetition flowing the same way
day after day without fail.
so the people come to get lost
laying separately on flat rocks
some were sleeping or looked as if they were
some were looking steadily with a fixed attention
on something or maybe nothing
some had artificial produced sound in their headphones
obviously embracing what they left.
we cant even take a minute
to be without thinking
we just keep checking our watches
to make sure we stay in our schedule
staying out just long enough to say that we did
then planning out the response
and thinking of what we could learn from it
instead of actually learning.
i want to be able to hang out
with each and every ray the sun gives us
sent down from it to play
but instead we take advantage of natural light
turning on our lamps in the middle of the day
open your windows or go outside
watch the grass waver
showing evidence of passing wind.
do ants think about where they crawl?
or where they build?
are birds prejudice about which branch they land on?
or which ground the crap on?
do the rocks by the river care about being corroded
to sacrifice itself for the front row seat view of nature?
and lack of civilization for freedom?
the river is so aggressively calm
and so loudly quiet.
faintly resembles that of busy city sidewalks
without the hustle and bustle
without the starbucks on every block
but of the people set on reaching
one final destination
the ocean of satisfaction and ruin
we are here for such a passing moment
so fleeting is our time
number your days for there are so few
will you be remembered
for what you did or for what you didn't do?

02 March 2004

me and luli musing about while taking a break from our bike ride and sitting on a once a tree now a stump:

God is not a citizen here
we wont even let him through customs.
realize that He created the color green on that card
and He is the liberty you titled your statue

consumers have tryed to control and box the consuming fire
shove Him in plastic containers
then mass produce it and lay it out in rows on our chain store shelves
this loss of dignity haunts me
i never want to see a day when my saviors name is thrown away
or hung up in my closet on a tshirt from target
the fish shape symbol used as a password during times of persecution
has become a casting mounted on the trunk lids of cars
eventually falling off leaving damaged paint and a damaged name

i have four bibles because i cant decide which cover looks best
dare not read any of them lest i rip a page or bend a corner