26 July 2008

take this bread

at the heart of Christianity is a power that continues to speak to and transform us.

what i found wasn't about angels or going to church or trying to be 'good' in a pious, idealized way. it wasn't about arguing a doctrine-- the virgin birth, predestination, the sinfulness of homosexuality and divorce-- or pledging blind allegiance to a denomination. i was, as the prophet said, hungering and thirsting for righteousness. i discovered a religion rooted in the most ordinary yet subversive practice: a dinner table where everyone is welcome, where the despised and outcasts are honored.

i just knew i wanted to experience meaning and connection

what i heard, and continue to hear, is a voice that can crack religious and political convictions open , that advocates for the least qualified, least official, least likely; that upsets the established order an makes a joke of certainty. it proclaims against reason that the hungry will be fed, that those cast down will be raised up, and that all things , including my own failures, are being made new. it offers food without exception to the worth and unworthy, the screwed up and pious, and then commands everyone to do the same. it doesn't promise to solve or erase suffering but to transform it, pledging that by loving one another, even through pain, we will find more life.

faith, for me, isn't an argument, a catechism, a philosophical 'proof.' it is instead a lens, a way of experiencing life and a willingness to act.
as the Bible says: taste and see.

sara miles

21 July 2008

how dare i

i thought that i had my head wrapped around God. i thought that it was final- that if i was gonna choose happiness and accept myself as a lesbian then that meant pushing away from God. but I'm realizing that this is far from the case bc i believe that He still loves me. the devil has deceived me and used, believe it or not, the church and some of my close Christian friends to lead me astray- to push me away from Him. to believe He was a cruel father who turned His back on me bc of my lifestyle.

i came out last summer and i knew it was a big decision. the catch 22 in my head was- either living a miserable unsatisfied life so that i can live a supposed 'holy Christian' life and go to heaven- or being satisfied and accepting of who i really am w the chance that i might go to hell for it. but who says that either one of these has to be the right or wrong way? i have been so conflicted about this that i simply made myself stop thinking about it completely. but its funny how every so often God will remind me that He is still there. that He is waiting for me.

my girlfriend, Stephanie, has really helped me to begin processing all of this again. she reminded me how important it is to me. she shined a new light on something that came out of my own mouth. i said that it hurt me even to think about hurting my own father and how i compared that to how i might be hurting the heart of God. and she said 'but what did your father say to you when you told him you were a lesbian? he said 'whatever makes you happy makes me happy.' and that's exactly it. that's what i need to realize. bc i have allowed ppl to tell me what to think for far too long.

but what does God think? if He created me in his own image then everything about me is exactly how He wanted me to be. so how dare i believe anything different. this is my journey. this is my quest. to renew my relationship with Him. to accept myself and to accept that He accepts me. i don't want to remain numb to Him. however long it takes and however hard it might be, im up for the challenge. i don't like things that come easy. it has more value to me when i have to work for the things that matter.

so i guess it is a coincidence that i have kept the name dove eyes- bc they have been waiting to see Him again. ill never think about covering my tattoo again.

20 July 2008

we often need to be reminded.
this is what life is about.
this is a beautiful thing.

19 July 2008

(all we have is) now

know hope.

the way a song stays in your head.

the way you think life should be. how anything holds your attention. how your past goes with you into every day of your future.


17 July 2008

in the back of my mind i am waiting for one phone call.

i'm on the closest bench reading, trying to at least... this constant breeze is a cause for distraction. i cant seem to get through one sentence with out being interrupted by small pink petals falling from the tree above me as they tickle my arm and decorate my hair. my legs are crossed onto a chair and i catch myself staring at the shadows dancing on them. in the corners of my eyes there is motion in all directions and a tiny red spider ventures through my arm hair...now i feel itchy.

09 July 2008

Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost

He suddenly recalled the famous myth from Plato's Symposium: People were hermaphrodites until God split them in two, and now all the halves wander the world over seeking one another.

Let us suppose that such is the case, that somewhere in the world each of us has a partner who once formed part of our body.

-The Unbearable Lightness of Being

05 July 2008