28 April 2004

"sometimes we turn to God when our foundations are shaking only to find out it is God who is shaking them"

19 April 2004

" i want to love Him as a man, but if He loved me as a woman i wouldnt know what to do with it. i couldnt live up to what i see in Him" - unknown

my notebook is still warm from being inside my black backpack absorbing from the 90 degree heat box outside. it makes me think about just how fun this weekend was. (im excited about tan season too and being in the warm heat, beable to sooth the pain of it at the instant of jumping in the pool. "its funny that women used to carry around an umbrella just to keep from getting a tan"

usAirmAndAn (08:25:26 PM):laundry time. speaking of laundry. do you know how nice warm clothes or a blanket feels fresh out of the dryer? they always make me smile when i hold em. do you know what i mean?
usAirmAndAn (08:26:38 PM): jesus said you make him feel that way. he likes you.

13 April 2004

-- i wish that i could print out all of my mental notes. i wonder why i always think so hard about nothing important. it seems my deepest levels of thought are a baby pool.

--life's decorations and accessories are on an every day run way. the things that catch ppl's eye become so over played they become annoying; what doesnt catch an eye fades out in no time at all. its the ppl that are bold enough to be different that start new styles.

--if i put my feet on your chair am i invading your personal space?

--how well do the shoes seen under the bathroom stall explain the person behind the door?

--why is it that ppl are so much more interested in what made your day a bad one then what made it a good one?

--death to self. a promise that ive made to God many times. hindered and distracted promise broken each one of those times by certain things. you are the God of reconciliation and of pride smashing and you seek the humble and broken hearted for they are the ones that know they need you and couldnt possibly think about relying on anything else. you are bringing me to that point. i have to change. i cant mess around. constantly not serving and not being a reflection who Jesus died for. my progressive righteousness needs to catch up to my positional righteousness. the blood covers and will heal me and has already healed me i just need to receive daily. take that step forward daily. one day at a time i will look up i will take hold of that which is promised to me. i will not stumble i will not be held captive to the lies of satan who seeks to trip me up. i will take notice of who i am in Christ and let Him vindicate me.

-- Jesus when you called me out i felt the fire in my bones be rekindled. my spirit rose up over my soul and my flesh b/c i do not live on bread alone but my food comes from doing the very will of the one who sent me. and i feel more fulfilled by stepping out on that ledge then i do when i try to personally satisfy my needs. b/c only you Jesus can do that and only your plan is perfect. do not let me fret on a shadow, on the passing things, on this grass that will fade away, but i am pressing on more and more. your word will be made known to me. i will not settle!

--there is no time for me to ponder God or to doubt. there is no time to question - only time to move forward and press on to the knowledge of Him.
A.D.D. kicking in
88 ceiling tiles
25 ceiling lights
25 students
10 side lamps
8 ceiling speakers
6 gray side wall tiles
6 red side wall tiles
6 cream side wall tiles
2 smoke detectors
2 exit signs
2 exits
2 white erase boards
1 teacher
1 clock
1 fire alarm
1 near death pen disrupting my A.D.D. distraction

12 April 2004

a thought popped in my head today and i had a desire deep deep down to have a picnic in the rain..maybe one day [and i want to make a short film based on this poem about it]

a picnic in the rain
the rain in my sandwich
soggy food
mascara running into my mouth
as i take a bite
wet hair molding to my head
puddles forming on the blanket
drinks constantly refilled
drowning anthills
desolate park
black and white film

to be continued...

06 April 2004