30 September 2004

so yea i am a vegetarian now. which yes is very weird to most ppl and to myself being that a month ago and for the past year and some i have been hardcore atkins. buttt
oct 1st will be my one month anniversary..ha for lack of
words. but for the month of oct i am actually goin to go
vegan and see what happens from there. it is really going
really awesome. God is giving me alot of grace. but
really what had a big part in changing my mind was my friend mike's
blog entry and the parts where he wrote:

"people are deeply interested in it as well although they
have not the strength or caring capacity to stop doing
something they know is self defeating" "One agreed that
they would like to be vegan, but had not the moral
strength to do so, maybe he felt this way as we all would
like to travel the world or be millionaires but how is it
we can hold back other passions, for we know they too are
wrong, and not hold back when it comes to food
is it that
we are already conditioned to the idea of necessary death
for a meal for me it takes little moral strength, once I
was properly informed I could not pretend I didn’t know,
for to betray myself is to scream mutiny and jump
overboard I do not wish to be blind when it comes to
what’s on the inside, and I simply do what I believe is
right while others seemed to just think this fools talk,
and possibly blasphemy against America itself it needed
to be known where I stand, although my reasons were not
detailed or convincing I was still respected and it is
known that I can work twice as hard with a clear
conscience and a good PB&J"

i was convicted by that and reminded of the verse
[1 Corinthians 6:19] in the bible that says, "Or do you
not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit
who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not
your own?"

and i think that so many christians do not really take
this verse into practice. that is why so many christians
are fat. but that we should be setting the example in
even our health. i was talkin to my friend christa about
it too. and she was saying that food is like the only
drug left for christians b/c we dont drink, smoke, or do
drugs, or whatever. and so we will use food to
satisfy and try and fill our voids instead of God. i was reading an article in relevant magazine called "taking on glutony" and it said, "Always included as one of the seven deadly sins, but never taken as seriously, gluttony is a vice we better pay attention to, before we are overtaken by it, literally.

Health surveys indicate that almost one-third of Americans can be categorized as obese, which means having an abnormally high percentage of body fat. I haven't seen a poll taken just among Christians, but my guess is that the results would be comparable to national averages. Even though its effects are so far-reaching, it seems that gluttony is one of the vices that most of us would rather ignore.

Call me an identifier of the obvious, but one reason that gluttony is such an ensnaring sin is because food is so unavoidable. Ecclesiastes 6:7 states: “All the toil of a man is for his mouth, yet his appetite is not satisfied.” A person who struggles with drunkenness may be able to stay away from alcohol, but all of our bodies need food."

I didnt want to do it at first b/c everyone thinks that i
am a vegetarians b/c i have dreads. but God showed me
that i have pride and that it didnt matter b/c like mike
said, "once I was properly informed I could not pretend I
didn’t know, for to betray myself is to scream mutiny and
jump overboard I do not wish to be blind when it comes to
what’s on the inside."

also i was looking on peta's
website and i read some articles and a paper i actually
wrote freshman year on hormones in meat and one of the
things that i read was that meat can increase my chances
of getting breast cancer [and being that i have already
had 4 lumps taken out of my breasts i thought that was
good reason to stop].

so God is teaching me self discipline. i have also been
running and going to the gym every morning.

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31).

29 September 2004

i saw keane last night in DC at 930 club with my friend aimee and her friend tim. i had never been to see a show there before. it is really small but i liked it and they had good vegetarian food. but yea keane was amazing. the opening bad french kicks was alright. they ended up playing what seemed to be a longer set then keane b/c keane was conan that afternoon and had to fly on a private jet back to DC and they ended up flyin into dullas which is like an hour from 930 club. so there was an hour or more in between bands. during that hour me and tim talked some and we met all these guys that were super seniors at my college VCU and these other two girls that are in the navy and aimee had a B52 while i had a caramel Macchiato and we split our money and bought a sheet of keanes stickers. keane didnt even go on until 1115 or so but the tech guys had everything set up so when they got there they ran right on stage and their setlist included: this is the last time, sunshine, she has no time, we might as well be strangers, somewhere only we know, everybody's changing, bend and break, cant stop now, your eyes open, snowed under, and ended with on a day like today. then for the ancore they came back and played allemande and ended with bedshaped which is my favorite song by them and it was a perfect ending to an amazing night. the band was awesome to watch..ha i was laughing along with singing because if you have seen them or when you do youll notice that the piano player carrys the whole band when it comes to stage presence. he is insane. the lead singer looks just like he does in the music video..haha. doesnt know what to do and kneels down to end everysong and the drummer..well ya dont really notice him. on our way out tim grabbed me one of the many poster squares off the wall and we got outta there around 1230 and got home at like 230. i went right to bed with a smile on my face thinking about all the amazing bands i have seen these past few months [mogwai, muse, interpol, the rapture, ani difranco, and keane]

19 September 2004

i recorded a spoken word poetry cd today. 29 tracks of my thoughts and recollections. some tracks have background music of mogwai, mum, explosions in the sky, a silver mt. zion, do make say think, brad mehldau, and nick syrett.

17 September 2004

"we negotiate with chaos for some sense of satisfaction." -ani
solitude vs. communication
communication vs. comunion
phone conversations vs. the intimacy of now
being on the phone makes you two places at once but your focus is lead to the receiving end. the sounds of the others voice murmuring over its backdrop and static lead you away from your present state. takes your appreciation off of walking down the street or looking at someone and smiling. the image of 'stuck up' became more real to me in my poetry class as my teacher described how he never wanted to to be one of those guppys. but it imulates how i think i feel. i get so caught up in the potential of the moment that i dont find myself in it upon the recollection i always feel so disconnected like i am always looking forward to something and when i get to that place i forget that i was looking forward to that time b/c i am looking forward yet again to another. makes me scared of friendships and vulnerbility and humaness too. makes me want my friendships to be drawn out in pencil so that they are much easier to erase when need be. i want to step out of my reality sometimes but yet want to be so grounded. so i stare with my eyes open because i dont want to get lost in the silohettes behind them and "my make believing wont stop these feelings" there are moments in our lives that go on without closure- we have to go on living to find it

16 September 2004

by lauren d'auria

sorry to break the mood
sorry to break the fun
but id rather sit and meditate
on what i and others have done
surrounded by a market of farmers
writing on a table of flowers
ill remain silent still and observe
background music and building backdrops
are here everyday i sit in the sun
behind my sunglasses i came
to take pictures but the glare is too strong
overwhelming the memory
i am trying to capture digital
will not except my intention
life is what happens
while i am busy making plans
i stop to snap what goes
patty the laptop librarian cant answer
the questions i want answered
i dont even know what the question is
all i know is i like the way
the sun feels beaming down on my back
simple moments remind me
that striving wipes them out.

15 September 2004

what i learned today in scuola:
-it is impossible to watch your breathing without trying to control it
-breathing is both voluntary and involuntary
-your breathing is an exact mirror of your state of mind
-no two breaths are ever the same
-with every breath you are going in to being and out of being
-if you give a peice of your heart to the things that you own then you cant love people with all of your heart
-when self conciousness goes away then creativity can come in

-many of us who live too much in our minds can easily lead ourselves to freting over everything
[i can definately relate to that one. thinking can really stress me out..just tryin to understand things ..as my friend aimee's song says "...oh to just be..." "i come broken in my bitterness, lost in my understanding, i come only to find Your lovely face smiling just for me"]

what i learned in my head:
myJesus has been convicting me of a lot lately and it hasnt been really hard to obey b/c of His amazing grace. but really what has been on my mind is kinda what Christa was saying about how the church needs to step up when it comes to setting the standards in writing music and making movies, inventions,, etc. instead of dodging the world we we need to be the most creative ..and we our letting ourselves be out done. it is so much easier to be inspired by the things around us instead of spending time w/ God and seekin him out on the 'latest greatest' creative idea He wants to release. but i was talkin to my campus minister about it and how i am saddened by the stereotypes i hear non christians have about the church in general. She agreed w/ me on alot but she also did a good job of pointing me back to the Lord. she was talkin about how God can give me discernment in an area and if i complain about it then i am nullifying its purpose and depending on how i speak about it to other ppl can change their life and world mindset or it can lead them further away from God. the verse that she gave me was Jeremiah 17:5-10

5This is what the LORD says: "Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans and turn their hearts away from the LORD.
(i feel that i am trying to convince myself that i can trust in man and in myself but i cant. my campus minister was saying in my response to my concern for the stereotypes the world puts on christians was that 'christians are not trying to change non christians view of christians, but christians are trying to change non christians view of Christ!')
6They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, on the salty flats where no one lives.

(wow. if we are christians that dont give our whole life to the Lord but makes flesh our strength then our eyes will be blinded to the good the Lord can do b/c of our own lack of faith hence the reason we stay on our christian bubbles and have no impact)
7"But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. 8They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit.
9"The human heart is most deceitful and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? 10But I know! I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve."

(God protect me from myself and my natural ability to deceive myself. dont let what is around me steer my faith. it took me so long to realize that i ran away from the love of my life)

ecclesiastes 5:7 ...there is ruin in a flood of empty words. Fear God instead
Lord dont let my words fall to the ground

10 September 2004

unheard of
by lauren d'auria

silence runs amuck
down the halls not found
in our generation
twentieth century age of noise
serves attention deficit disorder
dodging focus
dodging concentration
not chasing or hunting down silence
silence is unheard of
soundless sounds cant be found
stillness always has a rumble
of at least our A/C
to sit and not think of anything
would seem blasphemous
to on the move USA
unproductive always have to have
some place togo
appearance lacks experience
while i sit alone thinking
what to do and never doing it
learn to talk and you are fine
follow through just might
not matter these days
but Im still young
scribble scribble dot dot
i forgot my cootie shot.
oh no what now?
who cares what's there
the mind fields everywhere
'bless you' 'have a nice day'
pause if you are there-
a good stopping place
how can it be found?
apologetic amateur
by lauren d'auria

obligation to rhyme intrudes
carefully providing vacuums
what do you expect from a room
full of amateurs?
apologia full effect
refuge moments of silence
i don't want to lie or recall
move from memory to invention
let imagination meet with
the detail of your memory
deception deceiving yourself
i'm not able to listen
i could respond. yes.
could i repeat. no.
noticing things subconsciously
so regular no credit given
so careful to tell me a great deal
nonchalantly narrated
on the edge of my chair
as if intently listening
time goes by and nothing
audible and the inaudible
when you think you care so much
about that something but you know
you really don't, like a
a modern day greaser with Nike's
that forgot to role up his sleeves

05 September 2004

im trying to increase my awareness of all that IS, ending destructive patterns that i am finding in my life, and basically opening myself up as much as possible. i love when ppl put words into my mouth! that is why i love music so much..lyrics speak to me alot and bring words out of my heart that were there but couldnt simplify into an explanation until the moment i hear them uttered at the mouth of another and it clicks and a witness in my spirit.

in the bible it says that God is love. so yes i think there is a love source that comes from the plane beyond ours that we can open up to and run to that transforms our essence into light. but i do feel that it matters how someone veiws God. b/c i think that you can not know or embrace true love until you know Him b/c He IS love. and from that knowledge of His love we will find happiness and satisfaction and where we will find the strength and the compassion for ppl.

just as the Sun cannot exist without the Moon, and Love cannot exist without God
i write so that i can remember yesturday and inspire my tomorrow

04 September 2004

i changed majors and i am loving it so much. i was painting/printmaking major for all you who didnt know and now i am an international studies major w/ italian and religious studies minors. so listen to what i call school. my classes include: intro to world music, creative writing poetry, intro to anthropology, wonders of technology (where me and my sister are lab partners) anddd italian 201. i am excited to get away from painting and actually learn something. the funny thing is is that i am feeling more creative then ever b/c i have come to realize that art school (those two words together dont go) sucked it out of me and made art a job instead of enjoyment. but being in my poetry class i feel like my thought mind is really interacting with me. i feel like i could be seen by others and others have actually told me that i am "deep" but really all i long to do is understand. thats what my intro to world music teacher was talking about. how we have an enstinct to want to understand.

while sitting in in the dark in intro to world music listening to a nature sounds tape ths came to mind:
all americans do to embrace natures calls is drive to the nearest target to buy what another has recorded, bring it to their a/c house - push play -push repeat and listen the sounds of nature that they could get a step away for free , but all we care about is the experience free of misquitos and sunburn and sweat and itchy grass. is this what we call embracing our world?

i think one of my favorite places to be is in a place listening to someone where i have no comprehension of what they are talking about but being so interested in what i dont understand that it doesnt matter my level of ignorance. steeping myself so much in someone else that there is no ego load. when my poetry teacher said those words i laughed and rewound it in my head to try and write it down to give it some possible amount of credit just wishing i had a recorder. its so true though and it happens to me atleast once a day and he said it and wow i am amazed at his every word that simply describe the simplicity of life in such a poetic way.

so what conclusion have i come to so far? i will answer that with another few quotes my poetry teacher said: "how do you know what you think until you see what you say? visit what you do and rather then driving what you do to meaning ..release it. you are always processing your whole life all the time."

01 September 2004

day one of a life of vegetarianism