"you are not above the charity of God"
"why would i forsake the riches of God's righteousness for the dung of my own ego?"

"self discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. if we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love.

our behavior will not be changed long with self discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible. by accepting God's love for us we will fall in love with Him, and only then do we have the fuel we need to obey. in exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. and a begger's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion"

-blue like jazz

i have been reading this amazing book called blue like jazz. it is a definate recomendation of mine for anyone wondering if the Christian faith is still relevant in a post modern culture. it has spoken to me a lot! here are some of the things i underlined and these even though really good do not give the book justice as a whole:

"i sometimes wonder whether we are moving through time or time is moving through us"

"the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. this is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. if he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God"

"it is hard for us to admit we have a sin nature because we live in this system of checks and balances. if we get caught, we will be punished. but that doesnt make us good people; it only makes us subdued."

"christian spirituality was not a children's story. it wasnt cute or neat. it was mystical and odd and clean, and it was reaching into dirty. there was wonder in it and enchantment."

"the entire world is falling apart because nobody will admit they are wrong. but by asking God to forgive you, you are willing to own your own crap."

If I knew what I was after, I'd remember where I'd been
If I was sure of something better, I'd go, I'd go
But I am just another picture, and I watch myself

Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
Orbiting like satellites I'll sail away

our memory may fail us and our language will go too

happy christmas to all

i bid you a good day and all the glad tidings you could ever wish and hope and dream about having...whatever tidings means anyways

im the operator

with my pocket calculator



even the traffic lights are in the christmas spirit







"it is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

the reason behind my name:

In the first chapter of the Song of Solomon, the Lord compliments His Bride, for He sees within her a quality which He intensely desires to cultivate and use.

"Behold, you are fair, my love! behold, you are fair! You have dove's eyes." SS 1:15

When a dove fixes its gaze upon its mate, it is not distracted by any activities around it. Therefore, it is often referred to as a "love bird."

Our having this "dove's eye" indicates the possession of a spiritual awareness and commitment which lifts us above the pulls of the earthly, and enables us to become sensitive to the Lord's presence, and obedient to His desire and purpose.

The Lord's favor rests upon those who have cultivated a "single eye" toward Him. These can be easily led by Him, for they are close enough to see which way His eye is looking.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye." Psalm 32:8

the Lord is seeking those who are willing to be reduced to this singleness of vision. Only then will He be able to say, "Behold, you are fair, you have dove's eyes."

this is a personal prophecy i speak over my life

my friend rachel was asking me what i thought about how God is perfectly content in the Godhead but still has emotions of desiring and passion towards people. i thought that is a good thought evoking thing.

if you think about this paradox...adam was complete w/ his rib but not actually complete until God took that rib out to form eve, leaving him uncompletely completed. i mean nothing really can make sense to our minds why God would desire us but i think it is like we are complete unto ourselves w/ God but we are complemented and have desire for our spouse..just like God desires his bride.

then rachel said she was thinking is it impossible for God to have feelings of loneliness bc if he lacked nothing , then why would he desire for hurt or broken people or does he just will for us to be saved and its no emotions attached to it?

i said well yea i mean if you think about it this way- i desire for my family to get saved but that doesnt mean that if they dont then i am not complete b/c i am complete myself only by God .God is God which makes him complete in himself, not by us -which proves that he doesnt need us but desires for our compliment like it says the wife compliments her husband.

"Reveal Your presence,
And let the vision and Your beauty kill me,
Behold the malady
Of love is incurable
Except in Your presence and before Your face."

-st. john of the cross (song of the soul and the bridegroom)

its snowing!!!!

ive been dreaming of a white christmas not like the ones i usually know

my friends threw me an amazing going away party:

tons of my favorite people showed up
'the great white jenkins' played
aimee played
lauren theme games
grilled cheese
a root beer keg
laney took a video asking ppl what they are gonna miss about me.
18 people brought me personal going away cd music mixes!
modeling pictures
interpretive dance.
this guy even came!

more more

tonight was the smitty xmas tour. me and my sister went together and got to chill with christa black. she got us into the meet and greet and backstage. so i met smitty and definately talked to him about the argyle sweater. before hand christa showed us the tour buses and we went and hung out in her luxorious dressing room. it was so small we had to squeeze into the corner. then i surprised christa with 'the perfect mix attempt' mix i just finished, for gettin us in to the show and she was extremely excited. before the show we got this guy to take pictures of us three and then ones with how tall we actually are next to her. she was wearing like 3 inch heels which yes i tryed on. the highlight of the show was when shelley from point of grace was talking and then referred to the top of her rather flamboyant dress as a turkey carcass! haha ! during intermission we went and hung out w/ point of grace and i got to pet the turkey carcass.

what a fun night! thanks christa!

"it doesnt matter if there isnt a destination
because we are arriving everywhere
plant electric flowers in a feild
to bring it back to earth
a smile fell in the grass. irretrievable!"


mix

Agnus Dei 5:47 Rufus Wainwright
sunday morning 4:08 Maroon 5
Don't Stop Believing 4:10 Journey
Track 02 3:15 Joni Mitchell
Lilac Wine 4:32 Jeff Buckley
parachute 3:09 Guster
Rainbow 3:23 G. Love & Jack Johnson
Maybe Not 4:19 Cat Power
I Went to the Hospital 5:14 Cass McCombs
Who are you now 2:15 Brandston
You Spin Me Right Round 4:27 Billy idol
Power Of The Gospel 6:02 Ben Harper
Breathe (2AM) 4:39 Anna Nalick
Sway 4:21 The Perishers
Little House Of Savages 3:16 The Walkmen
Follow The Light 3:08 Travis
If I Fall 4:54 Aqualung
If They Only Knew 4:14 Ester Drang



"as he grew old
he loved the word
etcetera
and refused to
abbreviate it

many of us who
live too much in
our minds
can easily lead
ourselves
to fretting over
everything"

each moment is as good as it gets
when i am obvious with myself

------

Looking into the horizon
by Lauren D'Auria

they abstractly stare
avantguardly standing,
but she sits holding
her abortion against
her empty arms.
ballerinas and acrobats
still dressed after
their act.
the clothes on their back
are all they own besides
a vase
a basket of flowers
a barrel
a satchel
her hat is shade
to the desert heat.
no one knows the distance they walk
to amuse

------

Coming of Age
by Lauren D'Auria

It's Saturday afternoon, wedding bells are ringing and I am
going to work. sitting at a light observing the obvious happiness
behind family pictures outside of my sill. A moment in time.

During my Junior year of college, I lived in Richmond, Virginia,
the homeless, parks, bicycles, coffee shops, late night city
walks.
The house I lived in was an old convent and school house.

I learned a few things in the 4 years of living in
Richmond,
One from driving the same route to work every day. The second,
after many walks through Virginia Commonwealth University of people
watching.
life does go on outside of my own.

One thing I learned however, I couldn't really handle:
my hope was deferred...
like the sudden urge that comes when someone runs by you
inspiring you to run a bit faster, then the feeling that comes
when you know you cant catch up.



------

They See Rocks
by Lauren D'Auria

what's the deal--
cuticles like jello.
swollen over
except for maybe one.

snow fall on my lap
brush brush crap
nails melt
as they hit the ground.

raggedy anne,
crayon marks all over
long divided gestures
facial agriculture

pilgrims in teacups
serving indians
short hair and suits with
white man filled guts.

who do they gaurd?
green army green gun
white bricks
no taller then an inch.

the silent laughter behind
window shaped silhouettes
celebrates lip sinks
and pets.

threaten me not.
i will stand tall
o my
lonesome heart.

------

Ask for nothing
by Lauren D'Auria

Lunch time. mid december and
I am full from breakfast but em-
pty of sleep. all night was spe-
nt working on a science proje-
ct with my sister. Together we
cut construction paper and ou-
r egos. We took turns sharing
my computer using the same i-
nk that will get us our A grade
after we do our presentations
tonight. The fall semester is a-
lmost over and I am about to t-
ransfer credits from Italy. coff-
ee breaks, waffles, the smell of
Shaffer court dining hall and t-
he sound of my sister's voice
as she walks in to tell me how
short her bangs are as i conf-
irm and smile, is what i will m-
is the most. The sun sets and e-
nds yet another countdown day.

Take my Quiz (made by erin)

i feel like i'm in middleschool again. but i felt good
about my project because when i was almost done
my sister was just starting

and he laughs

my fish likes to play dead
i dont like to study

"once we accept the gospel of grace and seek to shed defense mechanisms and subterfuges, honesty involves the willingness to face the truh of who we are, regardless of who we are, regardless of how threatening or unpleasant our perceptions may be. it means hanging in there with ourselves and with God, learning our mind tricks by experiencing how they defeat us, recognizing our avoidances, ackowledging our lapses, learning completely that we can not handle it ourselves. this steady self-confrontation requires strength and courage. we cannot use failure as an excuse to quit trying.

without personal honesty i can easily construct an image of myself that is rather impressive. complacency will then replace God. many of us do not want the truth about ourselves; we prefer to be reassured of our virtue. honesty keeps us in touch with our neediness and the truth that we are save sinners. there is a beautiful transparancy to honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretend to be anything but who they are.

Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. it does not distance us from God, but draws us to him--as nothing else can--and opens us anew to the flow of grace. while Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot acheive it on our own. to be alive is to be broken. and to be broken is to stand in need of grace. it is only through grace that any of us could dare hope that we could become more like Christ."

[brennan manning]

when we begin to thank God and live thankful- not because of what He does for us but because of who He is, then we are coming to understand the heart of God because He didnt die or love you because of what you do but because of who He is.

mix

I Wish No Chains Upon You 4:26 Aloha
Undo 5:38 Björk
In Particular 6:05 Blonde Redhead
Train In Vain 3:11 The Clash
Testing the Strong One 5:42 Copeland
You Belong To Me 3:03 Dean Martin
Waltz #2 (XO) 4:40 Elliott Smith
Chain 3:41 The Fire Theft
Ugly Girl 3:47 Fleming and John
Rock Of Ages 3:08 Gillian Welch
Tuesday's Gone 5:47 Hank Williams Jr.
Carolina In My Mind 2:41 James Taylor
Down Towards the Healin 5:28 Lovedrug
The Old Black Hen 5:48 Songs: Ohia
Life During Wartime 5:51 Talking Heads
Sacrifice 4:26 Uplifters
Radio Cure 5:08 Wilco

what God has been trying to show me that will bring my freedom:

Revelation 22:13
I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End."

2 Timothy 1:9
Who hath saved us, and called us with an holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace, which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began

romans 8:30
Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. "

colassians 1:22-23
He has done this through his death on the cross in his own human body. As a result, he has brought you into the very presence of God, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault. But you must continue to believe this truth and stand in it firmly. Don't drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News


When our names were chosen in Christ before the world began and when Jesus died on the cross, our sins were covered and left there. the part of us that was in Christ rose again with Him upon the resurrection making it possible for God to see us as holy and blameless- even before our time because he is the omega. once we have the realization of being in Christ and Him being the righteous requirement of the law- we can then walk in the spirit even through our weakness. because he has made Himself the requirement, not us. as christians we do not have to cover up and hid from the realness of temptation and struggle we still deal with daily. we can not deny reality and the fact that we still sin but once we realize that God fully sees and fully knows yet fully loves us we are set free from the condemnation of our current stateand are set free from the deception that satan brings that there is less power in revealing and confessing to others. we need to learn to trust and see from an eternal perspective, with the knowledge that Gods plans for us is to prosper, that we are simply making our way to the final destination of holiness that God already sees us in.

to be spiritually minded does not mean that we now do not sin anymore but it means that our heart is towards God, and we need to realize that that is all that he seeks. you are chosen,predestined and called and if so then you are justified and glorified. our bodies groan within, eagerly waiting for their redemption but that is only because we are stuck with in time. but God is there (in the omega) and he sees us perfect- all our striving and falling and tripping and crawling has all left a smile on God's face because even if there are bad parts in your time line God see's how the story ends and that is all that matters. if your heart is set on him and you are trusting him that is all that matters to him.

if you believe this word, that has to be proven true, then you will be free to live a life free of bondage. you will realize that it is ok to be real with each other. that how we are doing spiritually is not based on what we do but it is based on who God is and His love for us. and until we realize that we will be stuck in legalism and striving which leads daily to thinking we are never going to be good enough. and you know what. its true- we wont ever be good enough but that is the foundation upon which Jesus died. if we base our spiritual walk on how many christians throw the first stone of judgement at us b/c of our downfall then we are still in the mindset that we are only right with God if man says so. but it is when we accept that there only is an audience of one that longs to hear the words, "Abba, Father." than all else will fall to the wayside of our lovesick heart because it is not too good to be true. because " It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. "



God's Everlasting Love
Romans 8: 31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 33Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36As it is written:
        "For Your sake we are killed all day long;
        We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter."
37Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."


wow the power in those words if we can only believe it.

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
-Henry David Thoreau

"o stiff heart, thingless we came into the world and thingless we leave. every important act is wordless- to slip from the right way, to fail, still accomplishes something.

who can distinguish darkness from the dark, light from the light, subject matter from story line, the part from the whole when while is part of the part and part is all of it?

its good to know certain things: what's departed, in order to know what's left to come.

what i remember redeems me, strips me and brings me to rest, an end to what has begun, a beginning to what is about to be ended.

what are the determining moments of our lives? how do we know them? are they ends of things or beginnings: are we more or less of ourselves once they've come and gone?"

charles wright

the fingerpainters