17 March 2004

there are so many words and things going thru my head that i am indirectly taking in and thinking about and sorting and either stay in between my ears or go in one and out the other. what i choose to receive doesnt seem like it is necessarily my choice. the ppl that i come across isnt maybe who i would always want to come across but can i just learn to be open to letting the Lord teach me or speak to me thru anything or anyone unexpected. or maybe i will speak into someones life and not know it. this break has been great getting away from it all and not having to think on command or retain information on command for homework or make a peice of art to then be stored later on in the hole above my closet. but i have gotten to spend some time w/ ppl that i dont usually get to. i got to go to a church i normally wouldnt have gone to w/ my gmom and got to see another form of worship, realizing that my way isnt the only way. learning how to not just label religion as works but being able to look thru it seeing the heart of a person. as an observer, just feeling and seeing the Lord smiling down on it even tho to me it seemed so structured. and also being able to sit down with my gmom for awhile- two ppl of two different generations- listening to her wisdom received thru time and experience. (how i can know a person for my whole life and actually never really know them) she has always been there but just from a far as my grandmom, 'the manner lady,' but this weekend i got to hear some, maybe to everyone else, small and insignificant information- like she was born in west virginia and she was bit by a rat in her crib when she was a baby and it left a life long scar (that had always been there but i had never seen or maybe just never cared enough to ask about). so far this is all i really know about her as a child except for the portrait painting of her above her living room couch. as i grow up i have come to realize so much more that i wish i had when i was younger. so that i could have used my time more wisely.
i wish that i didnt wait until last year to start playing piano.
but as the quote in vanilla sky goes:
"every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around"

there is an analogy about kids in a playground and how if they dont have a fence around the play ground that they will tend to stay in the middle b/c they dont know how far they can go but if there is a fence then they will go all the way up to it b/c there is an amount of safety. well i feel like one of those fenceless kids. and right now i am right in the middle looking out on this big world as i go up and down on my sea saw (for lack of words)

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