so for the past two weeks i have been pretty busy. last weekend was the weekend i had been waiting for this whole semester. me and allie had booked far in advance our trip with bus2.it tours to go to interlaken, switzerland to go skydiving. so we werent leavin until 6 that night and were anticipating gettin on that bus all day. when we got there i saw the guys and was like 'aight we are ready!' and they said 'you goin to sorento?' and we said 'no, interlaken' and they proceeded to tell us that there was no trip and it had been canceled since the week before. so they just decided not to tell us. we were quite pissed..to say the least. so we decided to do the next best thing- find a beach and go there! that night when i was hangin out w/ my italian friends at i 5 tavoli i was tellin them i was gonna go to rimini the next day and they all said, 'NOOOO!' not unless you want to go bar hoping the whole time and that wasnt in my mind at all so they told us the best beach in tuscany to go to that we could go to by train. so saturday morning me and allie got up and caught the 8 am train to castiglioncello beach like 30 minutes south of pisa on the east coast. and they were right..it was gorgeous. it was a really small town that was basically the equivilant of 1 new york block. we found a hotel that had beach access and dropped out stuff off, ate and went to bum on the beach from 1 in the afternoon till around 5 that night. it was so hot that we basically had to go in the water every 30 minutes. it was my first time, besides puttin my feet in the water in nice france, that i had been completely under water in the med. sea. so i was pretty excited about it. we were surrounded by all italians for the whole weekend which was a breath of fresh air to get away from americans. we also bought 'scopa' cards to play. that night we went and got a drink at a really different interesting bar that was suprisingly empty but all the chairs were simply cushions on the floor. i loved it...sittin there in italy w/ my friend playing scopa and drinkin a capiroska. that night we went to bed early b/c we were tired from all that laying in the sun so we got some rest for another long day of laying in the sun on sunday. we were out from like 12 until 430 and i decided to lay on my stomach almost the whole day so the back side of my body could catch up w/ the front side. bad idea. i got pretty burnt. and ofcourse it turned tan w/in 3 days but not its all peeling off pretty bad and i have to start all over!! bah.

so this weekend i went sailing to elba w/ 44 italians and 2 of my friends from school and it was amazing. it was i have to say..probly my favorite weekend this semester. we left on friday morn to drive to the dock we would set sail from and chilled on the boats, studying (taking a nap) and waiting for the others to get there around 8p. when they did some of us went to watch the sunset over the med and drink some mojitos and talk. mostly all of them spoke in perfect english so again no italian was learned or used. ha. oh well. after that we all went back and we had dinner and then a dance party across all 5 sail boats and on the dock in the parking lot until 3 in the morning. the next morning i woke up to the sound of the engine in my ear at 830 am and so i went on deck and we were leavin the port. we sailed out to one coast of elba and anchored so that we could all swim. we got to jump off the sides of the boats and yes it was freezing. afterwards when we got going again we decided to have a race between all the boats. and this time there was enough wind to shut off the engine and use only the sails. the rules were to switch the side the sail was on every 5 mintues which involves alot more work then you think unless you know how to sail. and what did i do? watch! ha. i did it one time and i was way to slow turnin the handle w/ my dinky arms. then all of them decided to get me on the CB and decide the next rules in english...because our boat was called 'american boat' since the only 3 americans were on it and i had to say random things really fast in english so that non of them would understand..haha. so yea anyways..later that night we anchored the boat of shore another side of elba and attached all 5 boats to eachother and 'took a bath' as the italian say it. we went swimming for longer this time. i wasnt goin to b/c it was so cold but david attacked me with whip creme so i had to go wash it all off. the water gets warm quick though. while the boats were all still attached we watched the sunset again and then had pesto pasta for dinner. after me calais and dave went up on deck and looked at the stars b/c there was zero light polution from the water. so we laid there and talked about life and how surreal the moment was being on a sail boat in italy with all italians. thinking about what we want to do when we graduate and just about havin to grow up and where we want to live and all. its crazy. for now i am so greatful to have been able to go on this trip. we went to bed early that night and got up the next morning around 10. we were still anchored off shore and we started the day with greatness of nutella! (have i mentioned how obsessed i am...im sure but oh well i will say it once again) then we were off to another long day of sailing. i slept most of it b/c the sun was tiring and the sea sick medicine was drowsy. but it was a great great day. we got back around 6 and headed back to florence. my face is almost burnt but will turn to tan in a few but the remains of my tan is peeling off quite rapidly...

so this is my last week in florence and i have to spend it packing, cleaning my apartment and studying for exams...sucks! but next week i am off to sicily for a week before i return to grand ol US of A. if you are plannin on sending me anymore mail then dont. email me and ask me for the address to send it to.

and i have put a few more pictures up since the last email but there are some more on my friends website from the past two weekend. go to this address http://www.calaismarie.com and then click on liguria (NEW) and sailing (NEW)

sorry i have been slow to keep you updated. the past few weeks have been perfectly busy. last weekend i stayed in florence again b/c the sailing trip was canceled b/c of the weather. since i havent been to any of the tourist spots in florence since i have been here and i wanted to go to the bargello museam to see donetello's david so i did. and the week before this one i went to the biboli gardens and to fiesole. but last saturday a friend of a friend of calais' (livio) came to florence. he is from genova and was in town for a concert. so we met up w/ him and had coffee then he taught us an italian card game called scopa (broom). that night we met up w/ two more of his friends (ceasare and davide) and went to the interpol/spoon concert and then to this italian house party like 30 min outside of florence into tuscan country. it was amazing. me and calais were the only americans there. it was in this little italian cottage and i could touch the ceiling if i stood on my tip toes. there were two rooms packed of ppl. one w/ a dj and ppl dancin and then the other w/ tables of food and wine. we were in that one. afterwards we drove back to calais' and played cards all night until we walked to piazza michaelangelo to watch the sunrise. it was my first one b/c all my previous attempt were shafted by the cloads and bad weather. we went to bed at 730a and then got up at 12 for brunch at ary's diner. which is like americans 50's style diner. monday night i went to bologna b/c livio goes to school there and he gave me the grand tour. tuesday night was the blonde redhead concert in this tiny venue like alley katz. friday morn me and 3 friends caught a train to cinque terre and hiked the hardest trail out of the 4. you can hike between each town. saturday calais and allie met up and we hiked the other 3 and then went to geneva that night and stayed w/ livio and his parents at their place. it was a gorgeous apartment. livio and ceasare gave us the tour. sunday was livio's bday so we made pancakes and a special L shaped one for him. it was his first time havin pancakes! the next day we went to the aquarium. one of the biggest in europe i think. and i got to ride on ceasare's vespa scooter! so yea long story short for sure on my fun times. but just so you can get an idea of whats been goin on. the main thing i wanted to share was that i read this book called 'love' by leo buscaglia. it is the kind of book ill read every year. along w/ the prophet. but here is a quote:

'man can learn, relearn, or unlearn to the point of death. there is always more to discover. no matter how much knowledge he has, man can never know everything about anything. change is the end result of all true learning.'

i cant believe i have less than a month left here. and only 12 days left of school. as soon as i get comfortable i have to leave. we are all passing moments in eachothers changing lives. its almost like this is a mirage of unity before being rescattered into the world. the inevitability of it all is so uncomfortable as of now.

its funny how the church will find itself. connections are divinly made in order for the family to become aware of its presence in a city or place. yesturday when i went to church w- my friend calais at the church she has been going to, i realized this. michael, a guy i had met at a friends going away party, was there, which was not a coincidence b/c he had told me about this church awhile ago and i hadnt had the chance to go but we still ended up at the same place. and also girls id seen around school were there. the church is a house church and i felt like i was walking into open arms. during worship as we all gathered in one room around a piano and 2 guitars, just looking around, God just gently reminded my heart that i will never be alone. but that every person there including myself, that came to florence thinking they wouldnt find any christians, ended up in the same boat. it really spoke to me of Gods sovereign love for his bride. and my spirit was surely smiling the remainder of the day.
also the past 2 nights me and calais have been hanging out at a bar called i 5 tavoli (the 5 tables). and i have come to love the group of friends so much. they are all italians except one girl from latvia. they are all just so individually precious and as a group they are so- one. they equally love eachother. we were all supposed to go sailing this weekend to elba but it was postponed b/c the owner of the bar, alfredo, also one of their best friends, got into a motorcycle accident breaking both legs, one arm and both hands. so they all stayed to run the bar for him. they are really teaching me so much about how friendship should be. italians definately are not shy about showing their heart. even in the simple act of kissing both cheeks to greet and say good bye- in the states would be thought of as invading ones space and would definately not be done upon first introduction, is a staple to italian culture. david and liga are the couple of the group but they are anything but exclusive. they both are just as affectionate, in friendly ways, to everyone else and almost put their relationship on hold in respect to others. the groups core is- francesca, cecilia, david, liga, suzi, gabrielle, julia, e alfredo- and though they stick together- they are definately not a clique. me and calais are making ourselves part of the group and they love it. we walk through the doors greeted by a cheerful 'ciao!' and as we sit at the bar we get surprised with new invented drinks that we all share along with chips, frys, and conversation. they mainly speak in italian so i try to understand but their body language definately speaks for them often. we are getting to practice our italian along with them getting to practice their english and we have grace for eachothers lack of fluidity of speech. i really love it and just with in the past week i can say that i will really miss it here.

its april! what the heck! (by the way i found my bike- i thought someone stole it b/c i leaned it on the wall outside my school and it was gone when i got out of class but someone had just moved into the hallway inside the school building. so good thing.)

friday me and jamie (the girl that lives across the hall from me) went to viareggio beach. it is about a 2 hour train ride but a perfect beach to go too every weekend or during the week when it gets warmer. it has lots of sand. i love when sand hardens into balls and i can crumble them in my fingers.

saturday i went down the arno river to sit in the sun and write for awhile. when me and dana walked under the bridge it reminded me of richmond. and the sound of the waterful made by the river dam sounded just like the water flowing through the flat rocks of the james at belle isle. it was a very comfortable feeling.

i feel kinda lonely right now even tho there are so many ppl surrounding me. maybe b/c of the lack of consistancy. everyone studying here wants to fit in as much as they can by traveling every weekend and yes that is what i wanted to do but i am now just going to kind of go with the flow.
i was thinking while on the train to viareggio on friday- i saw a lady hanging up her laundry and i had a revelation -there is such importance in doing what you do- the everyday things. b/c if you didnt then there wouldnt be any solidity for travelers. the cultural experience could not be had. not that we should be living to appease the passing onlookers but i feel such high regard and respect for the ones that press on in the practical and do the things that just have to be done. like the ppl that work the vendors of the stands in san lorenzo and the central market- that so often in my mind simply act as a backdrop that i pass by daily to get where i have to go. if the guys that yell out, "ciao bella!" and make kissy noises werent here then something about italy would be missing. so really all the simple things or annoyances i often look over- are what become the foreground of my experience here.

the sad thing about this trip is that the same thing is going through my head right now that was going through my head before i left the states, "i cant wait to..." this thought of the future and excitements of what is to come. i definately never thought i would miss the states as much as i do. no matter how much i wish i was italian- im not- i just have the looks and the last name. it seems so often that nothing seems to be enough for me. and i cant find satisfaction. but at the same time i know that i am the one keeping myself from it. i feel right now that in my mind i am rewriting ecclesiastes but thats the process of life... right? im just being real.

"passion is not so much the level of emotional intensity or experience that defines our spiritual fervor as it is the direction toward which we hope. the notion of passion has been hobbled by myopic fascination with its upside, its cheeriness and its zealous ardor, to tingle with anticipation always, a wide eyed exuberance always. but Jesus suggested that when you are at the end of your rope and torn apart with hunger is when life of God can take deep root. Jesus spoke to the weary and the broken- he didnt challenge them to move past their despair and to cheer up- he encouraged them to embrace their disillusionment, to own their dark place and find God in it. when our reality is infused with expectation, trust and abandonment in the one who invites us to Himself with all our passions- exuberant and despondent alike- we are walking with God. desire can be the most vivid when it speaks from the empty place- where satisfaction is the most distant reality" -relevant magazine

"the entire life of a good christian is in face the excercise of holy desire. you do not yet see what you long for, but the very act of desiring prepares you, so that when He comes you may be utterly satisfied." -augustine

"waiting isnt glamorous- it makes us vulnerable, dependant and anxious. when we wait, we have to grapple with the fact that we arent sufficient to continue unless God intervenes. spiritual renewal arrives when we become boldly aware of our weakness."

"we are saints whose worship is in the demolition that exposes hearts of flesh where stone has found purpose to form"

i dont like to face the fact that i am weak but nothing could be more accurate.

my prayer: God i wish to perfectly love you. unlearn me and overteach me.

ciao ciao. its almost been a month and yes i have been very busy. two weeks ago was my exam week but it was wonderfully complemented by two of my best friends, laney and emily, my parents and my sister coming to visit me for a their spring break. i loved every second of it and was so thankful that they came. i miss them all so much and i dont think that necessarily helped with my nostalgia.

this past week i was in sicily last week for 8 days. i flew into palermo where my grandmom is from and we stayed there for 2 days, but mainly on the beach in mondello 20 minutes outside of town. the rest of the time we stayed on the east coast in ortiggia and toarmina. both of those towns were amazing and i didnt want to leave. sicily makes florence look like a rundown dump. everything about sicily was just more beautiful. and it came from its natural beauty- the beaches were covered in hundreds of different colored and naturally patterned rocks accompanied by tons of sea glass and pottery shards rounded by the perfectly transparant turquoise ocean. it is not as touristy and the ppl are all so nice and they actually speak italian..(hmm funny thing), there were a lot more families and couples. so i probly spoke more italian this past week then i have this whole semester. we had like 3 or 4 good beach days so i got the tan back that i started in hawaii in january..lets hope i can keep it for awhile this time.

in ortiggia we caught a bus from the train station and it was great b/c the locals were on it- an old lady who is a supposed millionaire who lives in an abandoned palace, an old man who sat right up next to the bus driver, and a woman from vermont who lives there every summer with her husband- and we all talked the whole way. there was such a community feel. once we checked into our bed and breakfast and found our own little private beach we soaked up the warmth that we have been so much longing for the past few months and as we were leaving we met a street performer, a black guy from germany and his dog that he found in palermo that has been following him for the past 3 weeks.

there are so many pictures of ppl i wanted to take. this town doesnt speak of tourism at all. and every time i find a new cute store or restaurant it makes me wonder how many places are overlooked b/c they are off the beaten path. i felt more comfortable and light hearted there in sicily. the beauty really forced me to slow down and embrace it.

speeding by on the train ride to tourmina, as i was watching the island go by, i caught a split second view of a silhouette of a guy sitting on his roof watching the mediterranean birth the sun. i wondered if he was annoyed by the train soundtrack behind him. he will never know how that one instant made my morning smile.

to get to the beach in toarmina we had to take the funivia (basically a 4 car sky ride) down the mountain and then walk 10 minutes down the side of the road. once we got there we walked a empty beach but crowded with color and i embraced the moment (like my mom says- i stopped and thought about where i was for a second) and i loved being the one that ppl saw from the train as it rode by, wishing they were in my place.

so besides beaches we went to the greek theaters of syracuse and tourmina and to the syracuse catacombs, we didnt do that much touristy stuff though because we wanted to make it more of a relaxing trip then a busy on the move trip. every day we ate wonderful food and ended each day off with a crepe filled with nutella...simply amazing and i just might trade in my gelato privilage for crepes for the rest of my time here. (i also decided that when i move to new york i am going to buy a crepe machine and have my own stand in the city)

the most amazing part of the trip was on good friday (which i actually forgot about before this happened...) we were coming back from the beach and were going to go walk around downtown (il centro) toarmina to go shopping and all of a sudden after we passed the main piazza and went through the arch we hit a huge crowd and we were like, 'what is going on here!?' so we kinda pushed through and saw on the right there was a staircase up an alleyway that was packed w/ young and old women dressed in all black with black veils on holding red paper box torches, and in front of them were two lines of 10 little girls in little white nun outfits standing in order from youngest to oldest and the youngest, probly 5 y/o, was in the front carrying the cross standing two times her height. i heard a band coming from the main piazza and looked over and there was a statue of Jesus like he had just been whipped being carried on poles on the shoulders of 6 men. this was around dusk and there were torches on the sides of the buildings. this main strip road was probly about 10 feet wide and lined w/ shops and people on both sides. then all the little girls filed into single line and walked down the strip and then all the women in black with their torches lined up on both sides of the strip and just stood there as the statues came through. after the whipped Jesus came through, a glass casket with Jesus' dead body came through on another 6 men's shoulders, and behind that was a statue of weeping mary being carried on the shoulders of 6 women. by that time the sun had set and i noticed that all the stores has closed and turned off their lights as this procession came through the town and every one was involved. following the statue of mary was a crowd of people and we joined it to go to the next piazza where they added 2 more statues as the band played mournful music and the funeral song. it was a sad emotional amazing beautiful cultural experience that i was so glad to be a part of.

sunday we all went to church together. the first time i had been to a mass all in italian. it was very beatiful hearing the echo of another language as they sang together through the tall standing but small duomo. before it started we went in to get seats and i watched the preist pray for the ppl as they entered the confession booth. as we left we were given a small candal on a round cardboard circle that said 'Jesus is my light' in italian. that is probly my most prized souvenir.

so i am back in florence and this weekend will bring more surprises. tuesday me and lindsey went to caffe zaza b/c i was craving pappa al pomodoro (a rich tomoato based tuscan country soup thickened with bread). and last night 4 guys cooked my roomates, my friend lindsey, and i dinner. i can get used to that for sure.

sorry i have not posted in awhile. i try not to get online much while i am here b/c i find myself gettin so caught up in whats going on back home that i forget that i am in italy. so yea enough of that.

last weekend was my first weekend that i stayed in florence since i got here and so i was excited to see what it would bring and couldnt wait to go to church for the first time too.

me and aimee went to this church called st james episcopal and it was a bit traditional...well really traditional but i really loved the reverand. it seemed very down to earth and personable. the serman was focused on the omnipresence of God in psalm 139 and he said, 'i cant say that God is somewhere b/c God is everywhere and i cant say that heaven is a place that we will go to b/c if so then Jesus, after the assention, might have reached the milky way by now'...ha. but i really love psalm 139..it is definately one of my favorites..especially the part that says, 'I look behind me and you're there,  ^{then up ahead and you're there, too-- your reassuring presence, coming and going. This is too much, too wonderful-- I can't take it all in!}

b/c the vastness of God's love is uncomprehensible but at the same time so attainable- if we just allow ourselves to receive it. i love that i can know that where ever and what ever i do...God's love is always consistant. (me and aimee were talkin one night about our sisters and how we love them so much. me and aimee are both the oldest and want so much for our sisters to know that we love and support them but it seems sometimes that no matter what , they can not be convinced b/c they feel like they wont add up or will always be compared to the older sister. but i got a revelation about that being how God is with us. my attempts to let my sister know i love her are a shallow comparion to the love letter that God has wrote to me, yet even after reading the word it is still so hard for me to accept this love)

"there is a spirit in man and the breath of the almighty gives him understanding-great men are not always wise-nor do the aged always understand justice" i can see that as i get older i feel like i am wiser because of experiencing more of life but also alot of times i feel so naive. i should always be in the mindset of learning but i feel like if i do that, then i will be interested in other things than God. God is secure with me saying that though because even if i dont realize it- He is security. Gods wholeness does not change based on my mood or opinion of Him. this is something i know that when i think i have convinced myself there could be another way -God reasures me. like during worship at hillsongs - i started crying b-c the lyrics really spoke in agreement with my heart and i cant even remember the song but all i know is that my spirit is alive and is always crying out from within. but as long as i ignore it or push it down or dont feed it the word, then -IT WILL STILL BE THERE! and that is the funny thing- i cant run away. if i sin and if my transgressions are multiplied they accomplish nothing against Him. it is not like we are some how getting back at God for our lack of devotion to Him. it is our fault that we dont listen to the only words that bring life. "God may speak in one way or in another yet man does not perceive it. while slumbering He opens the ears of men and seals their instruction in order to turn man from his deed." (job) so i am actually coming to think that it is impossible to drown myself out of the pool of conviction- so i might as well swim in it and stop pretending that i am cold, b/c it is a heated pool!

so this past weekend i was in london and yes it was amazing. we did all the tourist stuff offcourse and went to see the changing of the gaurds at buckingham palace, big ben, westminster abbey, st pauls, piccadily circus, oxford st, leicester square, trafalgar square (where i preceeded to start my new picture series of tourists taking picturse of eachother in front of famous monuments), tower bridge, london bridge (did you know that most ppl mistake the tower bridge as the london bridge b/c the original london bridge from the song was moved to arizona and the london bridge as of now is really plain and boring), we rode the tube all day long and loved it. went to the national gallery to see the caravaggio 'the last years' exhibition, we walked across the millennium bridge to the tate modern, national portrait gallery to see the frida kahlo portraits, and ate at local cafe's.

sunday night me and aimee went to Hillsong London and matt redman was guest worship leader. i felt right at home in God presence. i miss that atmosphere so much.

ill put pictures up soon.

"weeeeeeee!! that is what you say when you are having fun- you refer to yourself and some other people" -mitch hedberg

(i got a bike! it is beautiful- pink and white, big U-lock and a bell all for 32 euro!) cant wait to ride in giro

last night i came back on a train from milan. we went to como on saturday. both were amazing places i had yet to go to in italy. como is right on como lake, and 5 minutes from the border of switzerland. it must be beautiful in the spring and summer. milan was more my heart beat. the most modern city in italy with a subway system with the likeliness of new york's. it snowed in milan- it had yet to even rain since i have been in italy and the first dat of weather brought snow. it was pretty beautiful seeing flakes falling infront of il Duomo. the dreariness of the day was a bummer but its ok b/c when my family comes the week before my spring break we are goin to all go back to see the last supper (for future reference- you have to make five day in advance reservations). when i was in the duomo my eyes were automatically drawn to the tables where you go to light a candle and say a prayer. the other churches we had been to so far had fake candles that you twist into light up but there were real white candles this time and there was such a deeper sense of intimacy in the melting of the wax. i felt God's presence for the first time since being here. i watched the flames flicker in between closing and opening my eyes, trying to embrace the intensity i felt in the moment. i was lead to write a poem. as my friends allie and alyssa, who i traveled with, had come to ask my if i was ready, a man had rolled a trash can up to the tables to take away and blow out the candles that had reached half their height to clear room for more visable prayers.
on the train i was listening to a song by ben jelen that my sister put on a mix for me called 'setting of the sun' on repeat and this one part says, 'the reason why we remain unknown is b/c we live our lives till we come undone- we just have to believe.' i didnt take this as being unknown to others but i took it as never coming to know yourself. 'he wakes to find he's out of love again' 'please would you save me, ill lose my way, please would you help me to escape.' this song is a cry that comes familiar to me. feelings of falling in and out of love with the Lord, and being deceived into thinking that only if i run away, will i hear Him call for me.

il duomo
by lauren d'auria

people of
every age and color
at one table
the sound of
metal against metal
as coins drop,
paying penance
for a holy candle.
among others
i sit and watch
as the
flickering flames,
lit in hope,
suposedly wave away
our problems.
sympathy arises
in the smoke of the
united attempt,
yet tears fall
as do the
visable prayers
of melted wax.
songs resound
echoing heavenly rounds,
as a man comes
to distinguish of the
long lived candles
to make room for
the cycle that
continues.

even though we didnt get to see the last supper painting we did get to see an amazing salvidor dali exhibition that was all his little bronze sculptures, etchings, and lithographies, there were some huge bronze sculptures too and my favorite one this this one because the explanation behind it was mujer desnuda subiendo la escalera, 'the woman is searching for the never ending infinate. winless, she climbs the steps of the endless spiral, even though from the beginning, she knew that she would never reach the top. but going up is more important than arriving'

and we also went to this restaurant called 10 corso como and it had the most fabulous ambiance and was the most amazing restaurant/cafe/art gallery/bookstore/store i have been to yet in italy. in the gallery there was this exhibit called 'blue' and it was all based on the contour and shadows of this one womans body. its hard to explain but the pictures were really high contrast and all in blue shades. some of them you couldnt tell that it was a woman b/c they looked more like landscapes. but there was a quote on the wall that said,

'in a shadow of moonlight, a dewdrop slowly forms a shape.
with a transient life till morning lifht come again.
a night after night, a year after a year.
is a fraction of a second, one thousand years pass thought a dew drop.
is the corner of the darkest shadow, time flows eternally,
and and existence dissolves into the the shadow, slowly...'
-kenru isu

God sees the big picture of why He put florence into the list of my hearts desires and why i came here for a semester. that story is being unfolded each day as it comes. i do really feel like God is resetting my foundation in so many ways in the underground- the unseen has to be worked on first. its funny how ill catch myself encouraging another in the Lord the same way i need to be encouraging myself. i just cant seem to speak the truth that applies to me too into my own life sometimes. i am not beyond the charity of God. 'God, teach me and i will hold my tongue, cause me to understand b-c forceful are right words and my arguing has yet to prove a thing!' (job 6:24-25) i say 'i will forget my complaint and put off my sad face and wear a smile but i am afraid of my sufferings (9:27) but who can say to you 'what are you doing?' (9:12) trusting God is one of the hardest things -even though faith in the unseen is what i claim to be living for.

for lent i am giving up reading any other books than the bible. the lover of wisdom and truth is the literal meaning of philosopher. like a person who sees the horizon- no matter how fast they run they can never get there. but it is about moving in the direction of truth, always in the pursuit of process and learning, not about reaching an end.

Job 11:13-18
prepare your heart and stretch out your hand to me, if iniquity is in your hands, put it away. you can vbe steadfast and not fear because you will forget your misery and remember it as the waters that have passed away. your life will be brighter than noonday. though you were dark, you would be like the morning and you would be secure b-c there is hope

ive really been seeing how God pulled me out last semester, of ministry, to minister to me, and this semester he pulled me out, of all that i know, to cause me to lean on how he has ministered to me. and He doesnt want me to read any other books than the Bible b/c i have relied on them so much and so easily. on the bus trip to and from Nice i was listening to Hillsongs and my spirit yearned to worship. it ws like a breath of fresh air to my withering soul. i miss having a church family.

the first night of reading my bible after not reading it for months- i had a dream of being at a feast and feeling satisfied by the food that was provided for me. i felt like God was showing me what he has had waiting for me this whole time- at the banquet he personally invited me to. i didnt feel a condemning word of 'see, this is what you missed!' but i felt a loving, welcoming word of, 'i love and missed you!' i didnt realize how much i was starving for the word until i got that taste in my mouth again. you know?

'as i look upon your name, circumstances fade away. lost for words with all to say, Lord you take my breath away, but still my soul crys our for you are holy. Your glory steals my heart' -hillsong.

This is like having the realization of- 'can you search out the deep things of God? can you find His limits? they are higher than heaven-what can you do? deep than sheol-what can you know? their measure is longer than earth and broader than the sea' (job 11:7-9) the goodness of God is an endless continuous mystery that even when we contain all of the knowledge and love of Him that we possibly can- we know that there is more. this causes our soul to also continuously be crying out for more, to never be satisfied, but just like the philosophers goal- to continue to press on for what is ureachable, but be a lover of truth. so the feeling of discontentment is not bad- it is a normal indication of your sensitivity towards Gods leading. discontentment should become your comfort and passion to lead you on to more and more levels of God. so do not mistake this feeling for a withdrawal of Gods hand or that you have done something wrong.

the streets lined with individually
uniquely beautiful ancient architecture
that stands tall, remaining as they
were meant to be seen, uncomplimented
by the 21st century age of fickle fashion.
they, pleasantly compacted and divided
by walls of tall shadows sing of history,
telling stories of time past
in a language of love.
the little old lady, accompanied
only by the memory of her passed husband,
is disrupted peace by the loudness and mishap
of what would be the age of her
disrespectful grandchildren,
as we prance the streets thinking we bring
something of value to this already developed culture
that does infact go on well after we leave.
i speak softly- ashamed
that i con not return proper comunication
and understanding to those who have seen
no other life than that of italy.

this weekend we went to the french riviera to nice, france. it was the carnivale there too and there was an amazing huge parade and the weather was great. i wore a tshirt saturday. the bus ride there was gorgeous. nice is right on the Mediterranean sea which i had never been to. so i had to take off my shoes and socks and put my feet in. there is no sand there but there are all pebbles and big sea rounded rocks. the water sounds really cool as it washes back out. we ate crepes from breakfast and had real french bread sandwiches, we went down to the market which is one of the biggest flower markets and there is fruits and vegetables too..and i had read about this lady named therese who is the 'queen of the market' for her socca which is a chickpea crepe. it was amazing and there was a really long line and i got the last one of the day! we also went to the matisse and the chagall museaums..both were amazing. right infront of the matisse museaum was a huge park and we sat at a little cafe and i had chocolate croissants as we all watched this little french girl count '1,2,3,4,5,6,8,9!' and jump off a bench repeatedly..we would yell '7' as she skipped it and she laughed. nice the city looked really modern, more like miami then france, there were alot of palm trees and shops and casinos right on the boardwalk. this was also our first hotel experience so far ..we stayed in a 2 star hotel but it was great. there were 6 of us on three bunks. there was a window in the room like in peter pan! some pictures are up!