04 April 2005

its april! what the heck! (by the way i found my bike- i thought someone stole it b/c i leaned it on the wall outside my school and it was gone when i got out of class but someone had just moved into the hallway inside the school building. so good thing.)

friday me and jamie (the girl that lives across the hall from me) went to viareggio beach. it is about a 2 hour train ride but a perfect beach to go too every weekend or during the week when it gets warmer. it has lots of sand. i love when sand hardens into balls and i can crumble them in my fingers.

saturday i went down the arno river to sit in the sun and write for awhile. when me and dana walked under the bridge it reminded me of richmond. and the sound of the waterful made by the river dam sounded just like the water flowing through the flat rocks of the james at belle isle. it was a very comfortable feeling.

i feel kinda lonely right now even tho there are so many ppl surrounding me. maybe b/c of the lack of consistancy. everyone studying here wants to fit in as much as they can by traveling every weekend and yes that is what i wanted to do but i am now just going to kind of go with the flow.
i was thinking while on the train to viareggio on friday- i saw a lady hanging up her laundry and i had a revelation -there is such importance in doing what you do- the everyday things. b/c if you didnt then there wouldnt be any solidity for travelers. the cultural experience could not be had. not that we should be living to appease the passing onlookers but i feel such high regard and respect for the ones that press on in the practical and do the things that just have to be done. like the ppl that work the vendors of the stands in san lorenzo and the central market- that so often in my mind simply act as a backdrop that i pass by daily to get where i have to go. if the guys that yell out, "ciao bella!" and make kissy noises werent here then something about italy would be missing. so really all the simple things or annoyances i often look over- are what become the foreground of my experience here.

the sad thing about this trip is that the same thing is going through my head right now that was going through my head before i left the states, "i cant wait to..." this thought of the future and excitements of what is to come. i definately never thought i would miss the states as much as i do. no matter how much i wish i was italian- im not- i just have the looks and the last name. it seems so often that nothing seems to be enough for me. and i cant find satisfaction. but at the same time i know that i am the one keeping myself from it. i feel right now that in my mind i am rewriting ecclesiastes but thats the process of life... right? im just being real.

"passion is not so much the level of emotional intensity or experience that defines our spiritual fervor as it is the direction toward which we hope. the notion of passion has been hobbled by myopic fascination with its upside, its cheeriness and its zealous ardor, to tingle with anticipation always, a wide eyed exuberance always. but Jesus suggested that when you are at the end of your rope and torn apart with hunger is when life of God can take deep root. Jesus spoke to the weary and the broken- he didnt challenge them to move past their despair and to cheer up- he encouraged them to embrace their disillusionment, to own their dark place and find God in it. when our reality is infused with expectation, trust and abandonment in the one who invites us to Himself with all our passions- exuberant and despondent alike- we are walking with God. desire can be the most vivid when it speaks from the empty place- where satisfaction is the most distant reality" -relevant magazine

"the entire life of a good christian is in face the excercise of holy desire. you do not yet see what you long for, but the very act of desiring prepares you, so that when He comes you may be utterly satisfied." -augustine

"waiting isnt glamorous- it makes us vulnerable, dependant and anxious. when we wait, we have to grapple with the fact that we arent sufficient to continue unless God intervenes. spiritual renewal arrives when we become boldly aware of our weakness."

"we are saints whose worship is in the demolition that exposes hearts of flesh where stone has found purpose to form"

i dont like to face the fact that i am weak but nothing could be more accurate.

my prayer: God i wish to perfectly love you. unlearn me and overteach me.

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