15 February 2005

God sees the big picture of why He put florence into the list of my hearts desires and why i came here for a semester. that story is being unfolded each day as it comes. i do really feel like God is resetting my foundation in so many ways in the underground- the unseen has to be worked on first. its funny how ill catch myself encouraging another in the Lord the same way i need to be encouraging myself. i just cant seem to speak the truth that applies to me too into my own life sometimes. i am not beyond the charity of God. 'God, teach me and i will hold my tongue, cause me to understand b-c forceful are right words and my arguing has yet to prove a thing!' (job 6:24-25) i say 'i will forget my complaint and put off my sad face and wear a smile but i am afraid of my sufferings (9:27) but who can say to you 'what are you doing?' (9:12) trusting God is one of the hardest things -even though faith in the unseen is what i claim to be living for.

for lent i am giving up reading any other books than the bible. the lover of wisdom and truth is the literal meaning of philosopher. like a person who sees the horizon- no matter how fast they run they can never get there. but it is about moving in the direction of truth, always in the pursuit of process and learning, not about reaching an end.

Job 11:13-18
prepare your heart and stretch out your hand to me, if iniquity is in your hands, put it away. you can vbe steadfast and not fear because you will forget your misery and remember it as the waters that have passed away. your life will be brighter than noonday. though you were dark, you would be like the morning and you would be secure b-c there is hope

ive really been seeing how God pulled me out last semester, of ministry, to minister to me, and this semester he pulled me out, of all that i know, to cause me to lean on how he has ministered to me. and He doesnt want me to read any other books than the Bible b/c i have relied on them so much and so easily. on the bus trip to and from Nice i was listening to Hillsongs and my spirit yearned to worship. it ws like a breath of fresh air to my withering soul. i miss having a church family.

the first night of reading my bible after not reading it for months- i had a dream of being at a feast and feeling satisfied by the food that was provided for me. i felt like God was showing me what he has had waiting for me this whole time- at the banquet he personally invited me to. i didnt feel a condemning word of 'see, this is what you missed!' but i felt a loving, welcoming word of, 'i love and missed you!' i didnt realize how much i was starving for the word until i got that taste in my mouth again. you know?

'as i look upon your name, circumstances fade away. lost for words with all to say, Lord you take my breath away, but still my soul crys our for you are holy. Your glory steals my heart' -hillsong.

This is like having the realization of- 'can you search out the deep things of God? can you find His limits? they are higher than heaven-what can you do? deep than sheol-what can you know? their measure is longer than earth and broader than the sea' (job 11:7-9) the goodness of God is an endless continuous mystery that even when we contain all of the knowledge and love of Him that we possibly can- we know that there is more. this causes our soul to also continuously be crying out for more, to never be satisfied, but just like the philosophers goal- to continue to press on for what is ureachable, but be a lover of truth. so the feeling of discontentment is not bad- it is a normal indication of your sensitivity towards Gods leading. discontentment should become your comfort and passion to lead you on to more and more levels of God. so do not mistake this feeling for a withdrawal of Gods hand or that you have done something wrong.

1 comment:

brock76 said...

funny how we can be so graceful to others and yet give no grace to ourselves. I recognize that feeling very easily. it doesn't seem as though it should be that hard to remember that grace is for the beat-down and broken.

best wishes for lent. your choice is commendable!

peace, brock76