23 December 2008

'you can find something truly important in an ordinary minute'
-for one more day

Dc is my city. this is something Ive been having to remind myself of lately. for the first few months i felt like i was on a really long vacation. i have realized that i tend to do this when i move. when i moved to Richmond for college it took me years to fall in love with the city, and same with when i went to study abroad in Florence Italy. my adventurous spirit, even if i wouldn't want to admit it, freezes up when i feel like i am settling down somewhere, or when i feel like i have awhile to get to know the place. so ive been wrestling over whether dc is not for me or if I'm just not giving it a chance. maybe its both and maybe i wont be here forever- but i know for certain that i am here for a reason. i am meant to learn something. i am meant to be out of my comfort zone at this time in my life.

this is a definite transition time for me. when Stephanie and i were driving into Richmond the other day she asked me how it felt to come back. it felt like it wasn't my home anymore. i miss Richmond and how well i knew the city, how i could go anywhere and see multiple ppl i knew, how i could hang out w different ppl or do different things depending on how i felt that day- but its different now. of course i still feel welcomed and have fun when i go there but its no longer my home. that time in my life is over.

when i moved to dc i moved here with high hopes. and those hopes have not failed me yet. there are ppl i walk by everyday or that roam the streets of this city that can teach me something. that i can teach. i have been too narrow minded and comparative of dc to Richmond. but dc is different. i can not look at it as better or worse then anywhere else. i am just in the process of finding out what it is that ppl love about it here and what about it I'm going to love.

dc is growing on me. I'm slowly learning how to get around. not as intimidated by the grid system. i am still looking for a gay friendly church. looking for someone to talk to that understands my situation. someone that's gone through what i have in my head for so long. still looking for the answers to a lot of questions. my whole life everything has just happened for me. i never really had to make an effort with anything. now i feel like i do. and its a good thing. its going to force me to grow up. to be more responsible with my own outcome.

it is my decision how my life turns out. it is up to me whether i am going to remain a waitress my whole life or break out of my creative slump and be who i really am. my potential is great because i have seen it. but over the years i have been digging a hole and became more and more insecure. but my life is not over! it is just beginning and every minute counts. Stephanie has helped me realize a lot of this. she is my biggest encouragement. she believes in me. she sees what i don't see. she is my vision right now. she is my love. i have found her and now i need to find myself.

3 comments:

stephanie said...

you have done amazing things with your life. seen beautiful places. created wonderful memories. and yet there is much more waiting for you. i hope i am lucky enough to share some of them with you.
my lauren
my beauty
my love

sarahmarie said...

hey- i don't talk to you very often. but i stumbled across your blog today.

i know my aunt and uncle go to a very liberal open minded gay-friendly(i'd even say embracing) church. and they're in arlington. i'm not sure if the church is too, or if it's in the city. i see her tomorrow. i'll ask.

Anonymous said...

this was lovely to read. good luck to you.