the birds speak for the wind as they ride upon it

Whatever the cause and whoever it was, the one we first loved seems to be a permanent part of our consciousness. We can't forget them -- and who would want to?

good things have seemed to be coming out of nowhere these days. my desire to live 'present' is bringing what ive least expected, what i might have given up on, and is backed up with a beautiful soundtrack. there are lots of adventures to be had before i move. and even though i am very ready to breathe new air, i am going to soak up all i can of what i have called home for the past 6 years. ill start my to do list today- the warm weather is drawing me out of hibernation. soon i will plant the honeysuckle ill come to visit whenever i shall return.

"on this trip i think we should notice it, explore it a little, to see if in that strange separation of what man is from what man does we may have some clues as to what the hell has gone wrong in this twentieth century. i dont want to hurry it. that itself is a poisonous twentieth century attitude. When you want to hurry something, that means you no longer care about it and want to get on to other things. i just want to get at it slowly, but carefully and thoroughly."
(zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance p25)

the quarterlife crisis

its such a weird thing- bc though we are all going through it, it is such a personal thing that nobody can help you with.
even the fact that 'everything will be ok' is up to oneself to believe or not

im pretty open minded sexually

until you left my side- that I knew I would love you from.

south korea

seoul/busan pictures
(jan30-feb12)





to do list if you go to seoul:
-jimjil bang- 24 hour sauna/hot tubs (look for a red sign of 3 vertical wavy lines)
-dongdaemun market
(the subway system is really easy and really safe to travel alone)
-emart= koreas walmart
-itewon- this is where all the foreigners are and all the foreign restaurants.
-insadong* def go here. its where all the artists sell their arts and crafts. prob my fav part of seoul. (find the coffee shop that is full of train seats and you can write on the walls)
-cheonggyecheon - take the metro to city hall stop. this is really pretty at night and during the day. its a man made "stream"
-yanson- is the electronics mecca and where you can get any camera, computer part, phone, or hand held game you can imagine, also ripped dvds.
-inwangsan is the mountain we hiked where we met the badmitten players on the way up. if you go on a sunday during the day they will prob be playing
-doctor fish cafe
-and try all the food possible. (the street venders are all really safe to eat off of bc they use bottle water to make their food) you have to try hoduck (cinnamon pancakes) best thing ever! and 'toast'
-do a temple stay and learn about korean buddhism

to do list if you go to busan:
-beomesa temple
-watch the sunset at taejongdae cliffs
(hike this in silence. it is very meditative)
-jajuland- old amusement park (eat a corn dog and sweet potato fries)
-jagalchi fish market
-get lost in the graveyards
-go to gwangali beach if its nice out
-modern art museum


and so you know-
-when you get a metro card. ask for a city pass. it cost 3000 upfront and then put like 10,000 on it. it cost 900 each ride and sometimes they charge you to exit. like 300.
-any place that says "PC" is an internet cafe and it cost only 1000 won for an hour.
-1000 won = 1 dollar
-soju= korea's sake
-makali= really good. taste like yogurt beer
(you can drink in the streets)

the dichotomy of expectations

ive been thinking about this a lot lately- how having expectations can be both positive and negative and how the word itself is a juxtaposition. though my inability to dissect this concept will probably fail to lead me to understanding it completely it still greatly intrigues me to even ponder it. since i watched the movie called 'the secret' i have come to believe in the power of positive thinking- which relies on the foundation of personal expectation; on truly believing that something you desire will come into fruition. so.. if i don't see the fruit of my desire then it means that maybe i either didn't truly desire that thing or that i didnt actually believe it would come to me.

but on the other hand, possibly bc of fear- i am blindsided by the thought that if i simply don't desire or expect anything to happen then i can never be let down by how things turn out in any given situation, seemingly a way of protecting myself. but according to Buddhist teachings, craving, or desire, springs from the notion that if one's desires are fulfilled it will, of itself, lead to one's lasting happiness or well-being. Such beliefs normally result in further craving/desire and the repeated enactment of activities to bring about the desired results. and as it is further explained in the fire sermon that it is negative that the more you feed a fire the more wood it needs to maintain its flames- resulting in constant dissatisfaction.

but it becomes cyclical, and either way, undeniably selfish when one knows that there is a certain power in letting something go. in the realization that there is a release that happens when you no longer allow that thing to effect you- it some how gains a power over that thing naturally drawing it back to yourself.

this ties into the fact that people want what they cant have. is this solely in relationships or do we as humans falter in our inability to be satisfied w our lot in life bc of comparison and thinking that things (jobs, salaries.. etc) are better then other things. or do we simply try to find excuses for everything bc we are comfortable in our unhappiness? where do you draw the line between chasing what we think is right and going with the flow- finding a balance between doing and doing nothing at all.

i think im going to choose to continue to have expectations. i cant help it. its just like me- to trust my gut.



"at the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want" (Lao Tzu)

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

i need ten bandaids

i have been picking my cuticles recently more than ever