antevasin

(sanskrit for: one who lives at the border)

-lives in site of both worlds, but looks toward the unknown
-you can still live on that shimmering line between your old thinking and your new understanding, always in a state of learning.
-betwixt and between- a student on the ever shifting border near the wonderful scary forest of the new.
(eat pray love, p204)

this is me.
this is me.

into the wild

i watched this movie on my way to seoul. it showed me how much we trap ourselves in our own limitations.

"if we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, the possibility of life is destroyed"

why should we follow the rules of what seems most rational or live a life with out coming face to face with what scares us the most. not always living by what comes most easy for us. or never doing anything bc of the risk that it might fall through. i dont want to live a life wondering, "what if..."

when miles was in colorodo and i told him to be safe- he said, 'i cant say that i will.' he is a perfect example of living life to the fullest. taking everything for what its worth. he has a certain freedom and joy about his life that has a sort of recklessness about it that inspires me.

"if you want something in life then reach out and grab it"

this movie gives me peace about the life set before me. i am at a loss for what it could bring but that is ok. there has yet to come a season of my life that i havent felt loved and supported, or felt like i wasnt learning something new.

"the core of mans spirit comes from new experiences"

"whatever you do, don't be bored, this is absolutely the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive. And things are just starting" -waking life.

we have only one life to live and time seems to move faster every year. it only seems to stop when i choose to live in the moment. i dont know whats right or wrong any more but i do know that for the past 10 years i was waiting for something that never came and i wont wait anymore. i cant wait anymore.

Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know

i can choose my thoughts

"you need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes youre gonna wear every day. this is a power you can cultivate. if you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. thats the only thing you should be trying to control. drop everything else but that. because if you cant learn to master your thinking youre in deep trouble forever. this seems a nearly impossible task. this is not about repression or denial. repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feelings are not occurring. instead admit to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived, and then --with great forgiveness and fortitude-- dismissing them. its a sacrifice to let them go, of course. its a loss of old habits, comforting old grudges and familiar vignettes. of course this all takes practice and effort. its not a teaching that you can hear once and then expect to master immediately. its constant vigilance and i want to do it. i need to do it, for my strength. devo farmi le ossa."
(eat pray love, p178)

'i look at the Augusteum, and i think that perhaps my life has not actually been so chaotic, after all. it is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. the Augusteum warns me not to get attached to any obsolete ideas about who i am, what i represent, whom i belong to, or what function i may once have intended to serve. yesterday i might have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough-- but tomorrow i could be a fireworks depository. even in the eternal city, says the silent Augusteum, one must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation.'
(eat pray love, p75)

'life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death. time--when pursued like a bandit-- will behave like one... at some point you have to stop because it wont. you have to admit that you cant catch it. that youre not supposed to catch it. at some point you gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you. letting go, of course, is a scary enterprise for those of us who believe that the world revolves only because it has a handle on the top of it which we personally turn, and that if we were to drop this handle for even a moment, well-- that would be the end of the universe. but try dropping it...sit quietly for now and cease your relentless participation. watch what happens. the birds do not crash dead out of the sky in mid-flight, after all. the trees do not wither and die, the rivers do not run red with blood. life continues to go on. why are you so sure that your micromanagement of every moment in this whole world is so essential? why dont you let it be?'
(eat pray love, p155/156)

'Dreams don't die. They linger in the quantum field. They're "us" — a part of our mental patterning — and, as such, they stay with us. We may grow away from our dreams, taking different paths. But the most potent of them — the ones that evoked the greatest emotional commitment and excited the greatest personal passion — are always with us, waiting to be actualized. I can now say from personal experience, that the key to manifesting them seems to be letting go enough personal control to give them a chance to actually get through the door.'
-Cate Montana (the bleeping herald)

i want to watch silent films more often.

every month jameson puts on these films and has musicians (who have never seen the film) improv a long with it.
seems like the only way they tie together is that the film and the music start together and end together. the music hardly even flows with the emotion of each scene. peaking at opposite times, speeding up at different times, slowing down at different times. its as if the musicians aren't even watching the film at all. its a perfect juxtaposition.
life seems to be the same way. some things dont, at the time, make sense but i kind of love it and have learned to thrive on the fact that everything will be ok in the end. everything ends up how it is supposed to and there is no reason to fret or worry. over and over it has proven true.
good thing i was reminded of this bc recently i haven't been thinking so positively. i think because i am about to turn 24 in a few days and reality is hitting me in the face.
after the film i was talking to laney about how i am upset bc i feel like now that i have graduated i should be worrying about the next step in my life but im not; and about how unsatisfied i feel bc life is amazing and i tend to lose site of this lately. i always want something new or something else but i wont know what that is until it comes, until im there, or until it happens.
she brought up that she was on the phone w her mom and her mom said she sounded different, that she was using the word 'unfair' a lot and she had never heard her say that before. and laney said that right away it snapped in her head what it meant. when she was a christian and she had a relationship w God, when she made sacrifices she knew that she acknowledged it and He acknowledged it and that was all that mattered. but now that her views on religion have changed, when she makes sacrifices she seeks affirmation from people and deems it unfair when they dont appreciate it or acknowledge it.
this spoke true to me bc i have realized that a lot of my unhappiness has spun from this exact thing. caused by the fact that my ideas of God have become very vague , as my relationship w him continues to wither away. and it has lead to my demise. i am not strong enough. but i dont want to be. i simply want to find peace. i know that i can create what i think to be the perfect life for myself but its worthless if i lack peace.

any day this storm will pass and i will see light again. i will be stronger and ready for the next one.
"cast that shit to the wind"

http://www.myspace.com/silentmusicrevival

(i cant even quote myself anymore)

everything will be ok in the end
if its not ok, its not the end

it's the same world, honey, that has brought you down,
as the one that's gonna pick you up.
and it's the same world, honey, that made you feel so bad,
as the one that makes you feel so good.

ellen kooi

I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
And I miss you,
I miss you every single day.
what's a girl to do?
my bat lightning heart
wants to fly away

waking life

i hadnt seen it in awhile and my friend came across a copy for 2 bucks! its definitely my favorite movie. i love how deep ppl can dive into things. it inspires me. bc i want to think on that level and not only think like that but live a life that reflects it. im becoming more and more intrigued by existentialism and quantum physics. the idea that we create who we will become. taking free will to another level but looking at it from a scientific standpoint at the same time. its confusing but so interesting to me.

Now we could talk
But the words would come out wrong
And there is no black or white
But still, we just move on

And you're never gonna be the same
from this moment you'll rise
to a height only gained by a compromise
share the glimpse of a new beginning

And now you've changed
But just a small part of me believes this
And you will stay
But just a small part of me believes this

the best albums of 2007

(these are not in order)

maria taylor- lynn teeter flower
blonde redhead -23
arcade fire- neon bible
clap your hands say yeah- some loud thunder
canon blue- colonies
cocorosie- the adventures of ghosthorse and stillborn
bright eyes- cassadaga
arctic monkeys- favourite worst nightmare
bonde do role- with lasers
au revoir simone- the bird of music
the beastie boys- the mix up
gogol bordello- super taranta!
kings of leon- because of the times
tegan and sara- the con
iron and wine- the shepards dog
laura veirs- saltbreakers
wilco- sky blue sky
spoon- ga ga ga ga ga
stars- in our bedroom after the war
interpol- our love to admire
mum- go go smear the poison ivy
editors-an end has a start
tunng- good arrows
lcd soundsystem- sound of silver
sunset rubdown- random spirit lover
M.I.A.- kala
panda bear- person pitch
bunny rabbit- lovers and crypts
rilo kiley- under the blacklight
jose gonzalez- in our nature
beirut- the flying club cup
devendra banhart- smokey rolls down thunder canyon
the bird and the bee- the bird and the bee
the bird and the bee- please clap your hands EP
yeah yeah yeahs- is is ep
klaxons- myths of the near future
jimmy eat world- chase the light
radiohead- in rainbows
grizzly bear- friend ep
caribou- pink room session
sigur ros- hvarf/heim
the bravery- the sun and the moon
bats for lashes- fur and gold
The Shins- Wincing the Night Away
explosions in the sky- all of a sudden i miss everyone