16 January 2008

i want to watch silent films more often.

every month jameson puts on these films and has musicians (who have never seen the film) improv a long with it.
seems like the only way they tie together is that the film and the music start together and end together. the music hardly even flows with the emotion of each scene. peaking at opposite times, speeding up at different times, slowing down at different times. its as if the musicians aren't even watching the film at all. its a perfect juxtaposition.
life seems to be the same way. some things dont, at the time, make sense but i kind of love it and have learned to thrive on the fact that everything will be ok in the end. everything ends up how it is supposed to and there is no reason to fret or worry. over and over it has proven true.
good thing i was reminded of this bc recently i haven't been thinking so positively. i think because i am about to turn 24 in a few days and reality is hitting me in the face.
after the film i was talking to laney about how i am upset bc i feel like now that i have graduated i should be worrying about the next step in my life but im not; and about how unsatisfied i feel bc life is amazing and i tend to lose site of this lately. i always want something new or something else but i wont know what that is until it comes, until im there, or until it happens.
she brought up that she was on the phone w her mom and her mom said she sounded different, that she was using the word 'unfair' a lot and she had never heard her say that before. and laney said that right away it snapped in her head what it meant. when she was a christian and she had a relationship w God, when she made sacrifices she knew that she acknowledged it and He acknowledged it and that was all that mattered. but now that her views on religion have changed, when she makes sacrifices she seeks affirmation from people and deems it unfair when they dont appreciate it or acknowledge it.
this spoke true to me bc i have realized that a lot of my unhappiness has spun from this exact thing. caused by the fact that my ideas of God have become very vague , as my relationship w him continues to wither away. and it has lead to my demise. i am not strong enough. but i dont want to be. i simply want to find peace. i know that i can create what i think to be the perfect life for myself but its worthless if i lack peace.

any day this storm will pass and i will see light again. i will be stronger and ready for the next one.
"cast that shit to the wind"



Anonymous said...

I started reading your old blog about three years ago (whoakids) and randomly decided to look you up again today. I remember how passionate you were about the Lord in your writings. And it seemed you wanted to use your passion and creativity to honor Him. And now, in reading this post and hearing that your thoughts have become vague and your relationship has begun to wither away, I can't help but to feel so sad. I have been there before, had doubts, felt so far from Him. But I saw that the enemy was planting those doubts in my mind, leading to disillusionment, stealing my joy. God is who He says He is. Choose to believe that, to believe the Truth. Read the Word again. Change your mind and He will change your heart in time.

lauren said...

if god is who he says he is then he does not want me to live a false hypocritical life pretending that i love him. he wants me to choose him w my full attention and desire. i also know that he knows what has happened in my past and already knows my future. time is not an issue for him and my wanderings, whether or not they are destined to end w him, will be as they will. im not concerned. this is the risk i take i guess bc i wont and cant force myself upon anything.

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