21 July 2008

how dare i

i thought that i had my head wrapped around God. i thought that it was final- that if i was gonna choose happiness and accept myself as a lesbian then that meant pushing away from God. but I'm realizing that this is far from the case bc i believe that He still loves me. the devil has deceived me and used, believe it or not, the church and some of my close Christian friends to lead me astray- to push me away from Him. to believe He was a cruel father who turned His back on me bc of my lifestyle.

i came out last summer and i knew it was a big decision. the catch 22 in my head was- either living a miserable unsatisfied life so that i can live a supposed 'holy Christian' life and go to heaven- or being satisfied and accepting of who i really am w the chance that i might go to hell for it. but who says that either one of these has to be the right or wrong way? i have been so conflicted about this that i simply made myself stop thinking about it completely. but its funny how every so often God will remind me that He is still there. that He is waiting for me.

my girlfriend, Stephanie, has really helped me to begin processing all of this again. she reminded me how important it is to me. she shined a new light on something that came out of my own mouth. i said that it hurt me even to think about hurting my own father and how i compared that to how i might be hurting the heart of God. and she said 'but what did your father say to you when you told him you were a lesbian? he said 'whatever makes you happy makes me happy.' and that's exactly it. that's what i need to realize. bc i have allowed ppl to tell me what to think for far too long.

but what does God think? if He created me in his own image then everything about me is exactly how He wanted me to be. so how dare i believe anything different. this is my journey. this is my quest. to renew my relationship with Him. to accept myself and to accept that He accepts me. i don't want to remain numb to Him. however long it takes and however hard it might be, im up for the challenge. i don't like things that come easy. it has more value to me when i have to work for the things that matter.

so i guess it is a coincidence that i have kept the name dove eyes- bc they have been waiting to see Him again. ill never think about covering my tattoo again.


stephanie said...

i'm so proud of you

Anonymous said...

this is good. i think once we start putting god in a box we start losing sight. i feel that god wants a relationship w us. he is going to take all of our "baggage" or whatever because he loves us and just wants us to be us. it's good to be back on track. "woman, open the door. don't let it sting."

chelsea said...


HunterWallace said...

You are one of my favorite people I have E V E R in my entire life met!

If only you would move to NYC and I could see you everyday it would be great!

You are SO incredibly beautiful inside and out. I see it. The world sees it and He sees it.

You are amazing

New York, said...

hey lauren i love you and so happy to know you are well. just keep looking up, there you will find truth.