17 June 2005

its easy here to not really be held accountable b/c there is always
so much going on and so many ppl and so many passerbyers and facades.
so truthfully im not doing that great spiritually besides the truth
that Jesus blood still covers my indifference and if it wasnt for his
pursuit of me then i would be a wanderer without a cause. i have been
kind of reading the sacred romance and there is this part that is a
breath of fresh air for me:
'so as long as we imagine that it is we who have to look to god, we
must often lose heart. but it is the other way about; he is looking
for us. and so we can afford to recognize that very often we are not
looking for god; far from it, we are in full flight from him, in high
rebellion against him. and he knows that and has taken it into
account. he has followed us into our own darkness; there where we
thought finally to escape him, we run straight into his arms. so we do
not have to erect a false piety for ourselves, to give us the hope of
salvation. our hope is in his determination to save us, and we will
not give in.'
so yea im hangin in there. prayers would be good even tho i havent
prayed in awhile i guess that means i dont believe that they work or
are simply legalistic acts. i think that i have come to the conclusion
that a prayer is a wordless utter from the very beat of our heart. and
if we try and put our longings and desires to words then we can only
screw it up or limit it.
sorry this was a downer on my part but im learning how to be real w/ myself.
so to sum it all up im havin so much fun but at the end of the day i am
still empty and hate time alone b/c i truly feel not only alone but

something that makes me really happy! yesturday i booked my flight to granada, spain! it was only 394 with tax!!! so im going! oct 14-23. i didnt think that i was goin to beable to come but then i found that flight and told my dad and he said that it was really cheap but he still had to think about it and then that night he called me and was like, 'i guess God told me that you can go to spain b/c we just got your security deposit refund check back from your apartment for $370' and this morning i talked to my mom and she said, 'things look like they are workin out for you, ask and you shall receive!' yaaaaa

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