maybe
by lauren d'auria
widdle waddle swish swash
open close late again.
another day i wondered off.
lost again.
i stopped for a moment and it turned into endless seas of sight, smell, sound.
no other witness.
no thing could record or repeat or explain the freedom of the silence of it.
all.
spinning, twirling, around, around-
that feeling between dizziness and surrendering to the fall,
the length that stays between you and the ground meet once again.
squish plop blob splash.
no words besides these onomatopoeias
float and flutter over wind.
they are the sustenance of our speech.
what can describe the beauty that is exagerated behind closed eyes?
no boundaries, no dimensions, no stuttering syllables,
but silence still remains perfected to be completed and completely uncompleted
by a bell chiming to remind you reality hit my face,
my head nodded off,
once again hoping this time it could have been real.
27 August 2004
26 August 2004
20 August 2004
"In our pursuit of pleasure and meaning we run here and there, trying one job or recreational activity after another, collecting experiences but never devoting ourselves to one direction. As you gaze upon the heart of God and begin to grasp that His emotions toward you are of gladness and burning passion for intimacy, nothing in the world will suffice. What you enjoy and desire narrows down to one thing. You begin to want to pour out your life in extravagant devotion upon the feet of Jesus. When your heart is conquered by the One who is fascinating, then no other captivation will satisfy. You will refuse to dwell anywhere but in this position of waiting on Him. You'll pursue Him alone, not allowing yourself to be distracted by anything less. Your hunger will be fixed on a single Source. There will be no going back to what used to bring satisfaction. Secondary pleasures will fade away.
This way of living, while exhilarating, disturbs and provokes people who are still living for many things. They ask, "Why waste your time on that? Why this extreme devotion? What's going on here? You've got to diversify, be more well-rounded, cultivate other interests. You're putting all your eggs in one basket." They don't understand the extravagance of being single-mindedly His. They feel blamed because their lifestyle is not focused on one thing. They might conclude that the person of one thing is mentally off or caught up in religious fanaticism, or has gone too far and will eventually swing back to normal.
when the transformation is complete we will no longer ask, "What is the minimum that is required of me? What can I get by with?" Rather, we'll ask, "What is the very most I can give? I want to give it all!" When you discover the pleasure of living for one thing, you become ruined for anything less."
-mike bickle
This way of living, while exhilarating, disturbs and provokes people who are still living for many things. They ask, "Why waste your time on that? Why this extreme devotion? What's going on here? You've got to diversify, be more well-rounded, cultivate other interests. You're putting all your eggs in one basket." They don't understand the extravagance of being single-mindedly His. They feel blamed because their lifestyle is not focused on one thing. They might conclude that the person of one thing is mentally off or caught up in religious fanaticism, or has gone too far and will eventually swing back to normal.
when the transformation is complete we will no longer ask, "What is the minimum that is required of me? What can I get by with?" Rather, we'll ask, "What is the very most I can give? I want to give it all!" When you discover the pleasure of living for one thing, you become ruined for anything less."
-mike bickle
19 August 2004
God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, "Abba, Father!" [gal 4:4-6]
so i did it. i layed my pillow on the floor and sprawled out in God's presence and listened. He was faithful to speak. so often that is the problem- we never answer the phone when He calls, instead we hit the ignore button and get pissed b/c He doesnt leave a voicemail. hold a grudge instead of calling Him back. Lord i am scared to tell you that i will do whatever it takes b/c i know that you would just rather me do it then to make another promise word covenant. so give me grace to take it one day at a time and press on.
so i did it. i layed my pillow on the floor and sprawled out in God's presence and listened. He was faithful to speak. so often that is the problem- we never answer the phone when He calls, instead we hit the ignore button and get pissed b/c He doesnt leave a voicemail. hold a grudge instead of calling Him back. Lord i am scared to tell you that i will do whatever it takes b/c i know that you would just rather me do it then to make another promise word covenant. so give me grace to take it one day at a time and press on.
14 August 2004
dear paul,
im sitting here and staring at the wall trying not to think of the only thing that keeps coming to mind. misery. i feel trapped within my freedom left only walking aroundin familiar circles. im watching ,not trying but wanting to be someone that im not. i feel like im God's princess longing to explore beyond the confines of my palace seeking comfort and not this corsette. maybe i dont like beds with canapy's. maybe i dont want a life of luxory. what is it like to have nothing? or to not get of what ive asked? ive never known the common life, of working for a living and having to deny a desire only to get what i absolutely need. what is that? i dont think i would ever have to buy anything again. maybe if i dont want anymore then ill never be envious. maybe if i dont desire anymore then i will never be lacking. when will satisfaction come? is contentment around the corner? is the airvent open?
from lauren
dearest lauren,
before you gentiles knew God you were slaves to so called gods that do not even exist. and now that you have found God (or should is say, now that God has found you), why do you want to go back again and become slaves once more to the weak and useless spiritual powers of this world? you are trying to find favor with God by what you do or dont do on certain days or months or seasons or years. i fear for you. i am afraid all my hard work for you was worth nothing. dear brothers and sisters i plead with you to live as i do in freedom from these things [gal 4:8-12]
you were getting along so well. who has interfered with you to hold you back from following the truth? it certainly isnt God, for he is the one who called you to freedom [gal 5:7-8]
dont get tired of doing what is good. dont get discouraged and give up, for we reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time [gal 6:9]
from paul
im sitting here and staring at the wall trying not to think of the only thing that keeps coming to mind. misery. i feel trapped within my freedom left only walking aroundin familiar circles. im watching ,not trying but wanting to be someone that im not. i feel like im God's princess longing to explore beyond the confines of my palace seeking comfort and not this corsette. maybe i dont like beds with canapy's. maybe i dont want a life of luxory. what is it like to have nothing? or to not get of what ive asked? ive never known the common life, of working for a living and having to deny a desire only to get what i absolutely need. what is that? i dont think i would ever have to buy anything again. maybe if i dont want anymore then ill never be envious. maybe if i dont desire anymore then i will never be lacking. when will satisfaction come? is contentment around the corner? is the airvent open?
from lauren
dearest lauren,
before you gentiles knew God you were slaves to so called gods that do not even exist. and now that you have found God (or should is say, now that God has found you), why do you want to go back again and become slaves once more to the weak and useless spiritual powers of this world? you are trying to find favor with God by what you do or dont do on certain days or months or seasons or years. i fear for you. i am afraid all my hard work for you was worth nothing. dear brothers and sisters i plead with you to live as i do in freedom from these things [gal 4:8-12]
you were getting along so well. who has interfered with you to hold you back from following the truth? it certainly isnt God, for he is the one who called you to freedom [gal 5:7-8]
dont get tired of doing what is good. dont get discouraged and give up, for we reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time [gal 6:9]
from paul
11 August 2004
09 August 2004
A Prayer of Barrenness
My heart aches. I love Him, yes, but faintly.
I desire Him, yes, but weakly.
I want Him, true, but waveringly.
Even the pain that lies within
I recognize to be such faint pain,
A mere discomfort next to the heart-wrenching anguish
That grips true lovers
My knowledge is nothing. My wisdom, infancy.
I see nothing as it truly is.
Eternity what is light. This life of earth what is dark.
Stories remain stories. Not sinking deep within my soul,
And scarring me with Divine invasion
Your cross is a picture, Your Heaven a fantasy.
Tears are sweet emotions, moved by Your sacrifice.
But not the tears of sharing in Your sufferings.
I say Your name so sweetly but do not know its Face.
All I am is far. So distant, so removed.
But You beckon me come.
Yet, my Lord, I am nothing. I have nothing. I know nothing.
When I thought I had something,
It dissolved before Your beauty,
And I was left naked. Possessing nothing.
Poor for words. Empty of all. Needy and alone.
Even so, my Love, call me.
Yes, do not leave me here but beckon me come.
Though I have nothing, though I am only poor,
I cast myself on your unfailing love
Where else would I go?
Whom have I but You?
By Dana Candler
My heart aches. I love Him, yes, but faintly.
I desire Him, yes, but weakly.
I want Him, true, but waveringly.
Even the pain that lies within
I recognize to be such faint pain,
A mere discomfort next to the heart-wrenching anguish
That grips true lovers
My knowledge is nothing. My wisdom, infancy.
I see nothing as it truly is.
Eternity what is light. This life of earth what is dark.
Stories remain stories. Not sinking deep within my soul,
And scarring me with Divine invasion
Your cross is a picture, Your Heaven a fantasy.
Tears are sweet emotions, moved by Your sacrifice.
But not the tears of sharing in Your sufferings.
I say Your name so sweetly but do not know its Face.
All I am is far. So distant, so removed.
But You beckon me come.
Yet, my Lord, I am nothing. I have nothing. I know nothing.
When I thought I had something,
It dissolved before Your beauty,
And I was left naked. Possessing nothing.
Poor for words. Empty of all. Needy and alone.
Even so, my Love, call me.
Yes, do not leave me here but beckon me come.
Though I have nothing, though I am only poor,
I cast myself on your unfailing love
Where else would I go?
Whom have I but You?
By Dana Candler
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