what i learned today in scuola:
-it is impossible to watch your breathing without trying to control it
-breathing is both voluntary and involuntary
-your breathing is an exact mirror of your state of mind
-no two breaths are ever the same
-with every breath you are going in to being and out of being
-if you give a peice of your heart to the things that you own then you cant love people with all of your heart
-when self conciousness goes away then creativity can come in

-many of us who live too much in our minds can easily lead ourselves to freting over everything
[i can definately relate to that one. thinking can really stress me out..just tryin to understand things ..as my friend aimee's song says "...oh to just be..." "i come broken in my bitterness, lost in my understanding, i come only to find Your lovely face smiling just for me"]

what i learned in my head:
myJesus has been convicting me of a lot lately and it hasnt been really hard to obey b/c of His amazing grace. but really what has been on my mind is kinda what Christa was saying about how the church needs to step up when it comes to setting the standards in writing music and making movies, inventions,, etc. instead of dodging the world we we need to be the most creative ..and we our letting ourselves be out done. it is so much easier to be inspired by the things around us instead of spending time w/ God and seekin him out on the 'latest greatest' creative idea He wants to release. but i was talkin to my campus minister about it and how i am saddened by the stereotypes i hear non christians have about the church in general. She agreed w/ me on alot but she also did a good job of pointing me back to the Lord. she was talkin about how God can give me discernment in an area and if i complain about it then i am nullifying its purpose and depending on how i speak about it to other ppl can change their life and world mindset or it can lead them further away from God. the verse that she gave me was Jeremiah 17:5-10

5This is what the LORD says: "Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans and turn their hearts away from the LORD.
(i feel that i am trying to convince myself that i can trust in man and in myself but i cant. my campus minister was saying in my response to my concern for the stereotypes the world puts on christians was that 'christians are not trying to change non christians view of christians, but christians are trying to change non christians view of Christ!')
6They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, on the salty flats where no one lives.
(wow. if we are christians that dont give our whole life to the Lord but makes flesh our strength then our eyes will be blinded to the good the Lord can do b/c of our own lack of faith hence the reason we stay on our christian bubbles and have no impact)
7"But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. 8They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit.
9"The human heart is most deceitful and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? 10But I know! I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve."
(God protect me from myself and my natural ability to deceive myself. dont let what is around me steer my faith. it took me so long to realize that i ran away from the love of my life)

ecclesiastes 5:7 ...there is ruin in a flood of empty words. Fear God instead
Lord dont let my words fall to the ground

unheard of
by lauren d'auria

silence runs amuck
down the halls not found
in our generation
twentieth century age of noise
serves attention deficit disorder
dodging focus
dodging concentration
not chasing or hunting down silence
silence is unheard of
soundless sounds cant be found
stillness always has a rumble
of at least our A/C
to sit and not think of anything
would seem blasphemous
to on the move USA
unproductive always have to have
some place togo
appearance lacks experience
while i sit alone thinking
what to do and never doing it
learn to talk and you are fine
follow through just might
not matter these days
but Im still young
scribble scribble dot dot
i forgot my cootie shot.
oh no what now?
who cares what's there
the mind fields everywhere
'bless you' 'have a nice day'
pause if you are there-
a good stopping place
how can it be found?

apologetic amateur
by lauren d'auria

obligation to rhyme intrudes
carefully providing vacuums
what do you expect from a room
full of amateurs?
apologia full effect
refuge moments of silence
i don't want to lie or recall
move from memory to invention
let imagination meet with
the detail of your memory
deception deceiving yourself
i'm not able to listen
i could respond. yes.
could i repeat. no.
noticing things subconsciously
so regular no credit given
so careful to tell me a great deal
nonchalantly narrated
on the edge of my chair
as if intently listening
time goes by and nothing
audible and the inaudible
when you think you care so much
about that something but you know
you really don't, like a
a modern day greaser with Nike's
that forgot to role up his sleeves

im trying to increase my awareness of all that IS, ending destructive patterns that i am finding in my life, and basically opening myself up as much as possible. i love when ppl put words into my mouth! that is why i love music so much..lyrics speak to me alot and bring words out of my heart that were there but couldnt simplify into an explanation until the moment i hear them uttered at the mouth of another and it clicks and a witness in my spirit.

in the bible it says that God is love. so yes i think there is a love source that comes from the plane beyond ours that we can open up to and run to that transforms our essence into light. but i do feel that it matters how someone veiws God. b/c i think that you can not know or embrace true love until you know Him b/c He IS love. and from that knowledge of His love we will find happiness and satisfaction and where we will find the strength and the compassion for ppl.

just as the Sun cannot exist without the Moon, and Love cannot exist without God

i write so that i can remember yesturday and inspire my tomorrow

i changed majors and i am loving it so much. i was painting/printmaking major for all you who didnt know and now i am an international studies major w/ italian and religious studies minors. so listen to what i call school. my classes include: intro to world music, creative writing poetry, intro to anthropology, wonders of technology (where me and my sister are lab partners) anddd italian 201. i am excited to get away from painting and actually learn something. the funny thing is is that i am feeling more creative then ever b/c i have come to realize that art school (those two words together dont go) sucked it out of me and made art a job instead of enjoyment. but being in my poetry class i feel like my thought mind is really interacting with me. i feel like i could be seen by others and others have actually told me that i am "deep" but really all i long to do is understand. thats what my intro to world music teacher was talking about. how we have an enstinct to want to understand.

while sitting in in the dark in intro to world music listening to a nature sounds tape ths came to mind:
all americans do to embrace natures calls is drive to the nearest target to buy what another has recorded, bring it to their a/c house - push play -push repeat and listen the sounds of nature that they could get a step away for free , but all we care about is the experience free of misquitos and sunburn and sweat and itchy grass. is this what we call embracing our world?

i think one of my favorite places to be is in a place listening to someone where i have no comprehension of what they are talking about but being so interested in what i dont understand that it doesnt matter my level of ignorance. steeping myself so much in someone else that there is no ego load. when my poetry teacher said those words i laughed and rewound it in my head to try and write it down to give it some possible amount of credit just wishing i had a recorder. its so true though and it happens to me atleast once a day and he said it and wow i am amazed at his every word that simply describe the simplicity of life in such a poetic way.

so what conclusion have i come to so far? i will answer that with another few quotes my poetry teacher said: "how do you know what you think until you see what you say? visit what you do and rather then driving what you do to meaning ..release it. you are always processing your whole life all the time."

day one of a life of vegetarianism

maybe
by lauren d'auria

widdle waddle swish swash
open close late again.
another day i wondered off.
lost again.
i stopped for a moment and it turned into endless seas of sight, smell, sound.
no other witness.
no thing could record or repeat or explain the freedom of the silence of it.
all.
spinning, twirling, around, around-
that feeling between dizziness and surrendering to the fall,
the length that stays between you and the ground meet once again.
squish plop blob splash.
no words besides these onomatopoeias
float and flutter over wind.
they are the sustenance of our speech.
what can describe the beauty that is exagerated behind closed eyes?
no boundaries, no dimensions, no stuttering syllables,
but silence still remains perfected to be completed and completely uncompleted
by a bell chiming to remind you reality hit my face,
my head nodded off,
once again hoping this time it could have been real.

"O God, who am I that You should love me so!  And Who are You that You can love me so?" -gary wiens

"In our pursuit of pleasure and meaning we run here and there, trying one job or recreational activity after another, collecting experiences but never devoting ourselves to one direction. As you gaze upon the heart of God and begin to grasp that His emotions toward you are of gladness and burning passion for intimacy, nothing in the world will suffice. What you enjoy and desire narrows down to one thing. You begin to want to pour out your life in extravagant devotion upon the feet of Jesus. When your heart is conquered by the One who is fascinating, then no other captivation will satisfy. You will refuse to dwell anywhere but in this position of waiting on Him. You'll pursue Him alone, not allowing yourself to be distracted by anything less. Your hunger will be fixed on a single Source. There will be no going back to what used to bring satisfaction. Secondary pleasures will fade away.

This way of living, while exhilarating, disturbs and provokes people who are still living for many things. They ask, "Why waste your time on that? Why this extreme devotion? What's going on here? You've got to diversify, be more well-rounded, cultivate other interests. You're putting all your eggs in one basket." They don't understand the extravagance of being single-mindedly His. They feel blamed because their lifestyle is not focused on one thing. They might conclude that the person of one thing is mentally off or caught up in religious fanaticism, or has gone too far and will eventually swing back to normal.

when the transformation is complete we will no longer ask, "What is the minimum that is required of me? What can I get by with?" Rather, we'll ask, "What is the very most I can give? I want to give it all!" When you discover the pleasure of living for one thing, you become ruined for anything less."

-mike bickle